Month: February 2024

What’s It All Mean, and Why Is Everybody Jumping?

2/29/24

Happy Leap Day. If you were born on this day, I think you’re entitled to 29 presents. But I’m not really sure. I think the rules for Leap Day are a bit confusing, something about how long it takes for the Earth to rotate around the sun. It takes 365.2421 days not 365 days. As a result, we have leap days to account for all the fractions. But there’s also this special rule that says leap years DON’T happen if the year is evenly divisible by 100 but not 400.

Which means there was no leap day in 1700, 1800, or 1900, and there won’t be one in 2100 (when we get to 2100, remind me to complain).The next leap years are 2028, 2032 and 2036.

And I’m supposed to get excited about that? Why don’t we just get rid of leap years?

Supposedly, without leap years, after a few hundred years we would have summer in November. Can you imagine Christmas in summer? A Christmas with no snow? (Sounds like Florida to me.) People in the north could hang out on the beach and open up presents under their beach umbrellas.

So, who do I have to speak to to get this thing kick-started?

I bet the people born on February 29 wouldn’t even complain. I’m sure they’re tired of rounding up or rounding down when deciding which day to celebrate their birthday. (Can you imagine the confusion it creates at the DMV?)

By the way, did you know that people born today are called “leapers” or “leaplings”? (That sounds too much like lepers.) Out of about 8 billion people on the planet, there are about 5 million people worldwide who share today’s birthday.  

I had no idea there were so many February 29 babies. Leaping lizards! Hey, wait. Are they the ones who came up with that expression? I heard it came from the Little Orphan Annie comic strip. But maybe she was a leper, or is it leaper? I get confused.

#MissHanniganshouldcheckAnnie’sbirthcertificate

True Fans Believe Their Teams Can Win Even When No One Else Does

2/28/24

I’ve spent the last six months waxing poetic about football (to the point where some of you were probably getting a little sick of me). But with the coming of spring, a great change is upon our great country. It’s time to put away those leather footballs and grab those leather gloves.

Don’t get me wrong. I like football. A lot. But football isn’t baseball and never will be. Baseball will forever be the sport I learned to love at my father’s knee. I loved my father, and that love transferred to the team he loved: the New York Mets.

Sigh.

Yes, the Mets are not the Yankees, and their failures outnumber their successes. But hope springs eternal, right? It’s spring training time in dozens of Major League Baseball camps in Arizona and Florida (15 camps in each state), and I couldn’t be happier. When the season starts in April, I get to entertain my yearly delusion that my team will win it all, which I guess makes me insane.

You ever hear the saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It’s been incorrectly attributed to Einstein, but it’s more likely it came from a frustrated Mets fan.

The Mets have been around since 1962 but have only won the World Series twice, which is all the evidence I need to know that I may be in for another disappointing season. Still, there’s something about going to Opening Day, which I used to do when I lived in New York, that makes me smile on the inside.

The closest I can get to that Opening Day excitement now is taking in a Florida spring training game. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I’m grateful that I live a mere two hours from the Mets spring training camp. Anything seems possible before Opening Day. Just Doris Kearns Goodwin, author of Wait Until Next Year, in which she talks about growing up in New York when the Giants, Yankees, and Dodgers dominated the baseball landscape.

“In the world of baseball,” she says, “every day is a fresh start and a chance to make history.”

I don’t know about history, but I’ll take a fresh start over a stale start every year. And that’s why I go to at least one Mets spring training game every year, because new beginnings are so much fun and can be just the remedy to cure whatever ails you. It’s also a good excuse to be around other people as insane as I am. Let’s go Mets.

Play ball!

#insanityinnumbersequalssanity

I Wish I Could Say That

2/27/24

Today is National Anosmia Awareness Day. Anosmia is a condition that results in losing your sense of smell. For those who can’t see me, I’m raising my hand. I have anosmia.

Don’t worry if you didn’t know that. I don’t talk about it much. In fact, when a friend recently asked me to reveal something most people don’t know about me, I confessed that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, which is true. But I probably should’ve mentioned the anosmia. It’s way more unusual, especially since most people have never heard of anosmics like me but they have heard of stand-up comics.

I don’t know when I lost my sense of smell, but I wrote about an incident in a previous blog post when it might’ve happened (see “Haunted By the Memory“). In my semi-ghost story, I talk about repeatedly being bashed on the nose by a wooden stool. Back then, in my bachelor days, I got in the habit of sleeping on the floor. I also owned this wooden stool, which fell on top of my face numerous times. (“Oh, so that’s the reason he is the way he is!”)

Of course, I could’ve had a diminished sense of smell before the incident, which is called partial anosmia. But I really don’t remember. That’s the funny thing about getting older, your memories and your imaginings get mixed up. I have vague memories of being able to smell tuna fish. Nowadays, I’d have to press tuna fish against my nose to detect anything. I think I can smell something, but does that really count as a sense of smell if I have to go to those extremes?

Anosmia is a weird condition because it takes so many forms. Anosmia can be permanent or temporary. You can be born with it or acquire it. And some of the ways you can acquire it include nasal polyps, sinusitis, exposure to certain toxic substances and head injury (you mean, like, from falling stools?).

Of course, being without a sense of smell has its advantages and disadvantages. Offensive smells that would drive most people from the room have no affect on me. Of course, if those smells are coming from me, that’s bad. I do envy those people who can smell flowers or baked goods. And if there were a dangerous chemical smell in the air, most people would have the good sense to run, whereas I might keep writing my blog.

But there’s no use complaining about it. There is no cure for anosmia. If I had a sense of smell as a kid, I’m not getting it back. At least I’m not alone. Approximately 1 in 10 people have some degree of anosmia, including Ben Cohen from Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and two of my favorite actors, Bill Pullman and Jason Sudeikis.

Well, that’s my confession for the day. So, now that you know about anosmia, be sympathetic to those with my condition. And if you can’t, well, to smell with you!

#smellyalater

I Know Inflation is Bad, But This is Ridiculous

2/26/24

This story comes out of Columbus, Ohio, where a woman purchased a sandwich from a Subway store with her debit card. Turns out she was charged $1,021.50 for her meal. (Dang! How many toppings did she put on that thing?)

Unfortunately, the woman left the store without realizing how much she had been charged (I hope she didn’t tip them), which should be a lesson to all of us. Always look at your receipt.

The woman told news reporters that she later returned to the Subway store, located inside a gas station, only to find it had closed. According to the store’s website, it is “temporarily closed” for the foreseeable future. Okay, first of all, gas station Subway? Those words don’t even sound like they should go together. Was it an El Cheapo gas station? Just joking. The Subway was actually inside a Thornton Oil store. I lost my appetite just typing that sentence.

As of last Friday, almost two months after the purchase, the woman still hadn’t been refunded for the sandwich, despite having contacted Subway’s corporate office. In the meantime, she has been strapped for cash and has struggled to feed her family.

A representative from the Better Business Bureau advised the woman to use the BBB’s dispute resolution process or even escalate the matter by filing a police report for theft.

POLICE: Can you tell us what the thief looked like?

WOMAN: Yes, definitely. They had like… this hair net on, and through their see-through gloves, I could see they had a bad nail job. Also, they had a messy apron. I could pick ’em out of a lineup with no problem.

A similar incident happened to me and Donna a short time ago. No, we weren’t overcharged for a deluxe sandwich. But we were charged eight times for our $80+ meal. The total we were billed was close to $700 (not counting the $80 plus tip we paid in cash when the restaurant told us that the charge didn’t go through). Luckily, Donna received a bank alert on her phone before we left the restaurant, so we were able to bring the matter to someone’s attention in person.

Our server was embarrassed about the mistake and admitted submitting the charge multiple times when it didn’t go through. But eight times? That’s a little too diligent for me. Despite the manager’s assurance that the charges would not be submitted to our bank once the nightly receipts were put through, the problem was not corrected for more than a week.

I had to have a long talk with my dogs that week about why their dog treats were getting cut in half.

But, of course, consumer advocates are quick to point out that had Donna and I, and the Ohio woman, used a credit card instead of a debit card, we would have been better protected.

But who likes a know-it-all?

#I’maknowitsomeofthetime

Apollo Made It Look Easy…Maybe Too Easy

2/22/24

So, today at 5:30 p.m. (check your local stations for pregame coverage), NASA will be putting a moon lander on the moon, something they haven’t done since Apollo 17 did it back in 1972. Why the 52-year wait?

Some say it’s because landing a vehicle on the lunar terrain is tricky. The moon is covered with dead volcanoes and deep craters, making it difficult to find flat landing zones. But conspiracy theorists like my wife say, “It’s tricky because you’ve never done it before. Those Apollo missions were faked. Michael, throw out the trash.”

Still others say that the delay is because the technology used on those Apollo missions has long since been retired, cast aside by the massive leaps in computing power, which means that today’s lander had to be built from scratch.

Uh-huh. You lost the blueprints didn’t you, NASA? Or did one of the NASA tech’s moms throw them away the same way my mom threw away all of my old baseball cards? Some one at NASA needs to fess up to the embarrassing truth.

But the time for pointing fingers is past. In a few short hours, the moon lander, known as Odysseus, will be putting on its reverse lights and begin beep-beep-beeping into its parking spot. I sure hope it makes it. But more than that, I hope NASA’s coverage will be on a tape delay. If Odysseus crashes, I’d rather the network cut in and show me a clip of one of the Apollo landings. If they dubbed George Clooney’s voice over Walter Cronkite’s, some people might not even know the difference.

If Odysseus crashes, it will be the third lander to crash on the moon in less than a year (Japan and Russia got their crashes out of the way already, in April and August, so the Olympic Gold for Moon Crashing goes to Japan, the Silver goes to Russia, and… well, we’ll just have to wait and see.)

Of course, the reason I can make jokes about the Odysseus mission is because it’s unmanned, and also because failure is an option. Unlike the Apollo landings,  Odysseus will be considered the first commercial U.S. vehicle to ever make it to the lunar surface. Contrary to the days when the taxpayers funded space exploration, commercial interests now lead the way.

And they’ve got a totally different mindset. Their goal is to, “Get the product out there, let it blow up, figure out what you did wrong, fix it, and go again,” said Greg Autry, director of space leadership at Arizona State University’s Thunderbird School of Global Management.

So, maybe today’s landing shouldn’t be on tape delay. Maybe Americans should be treated to how things are done nowadays. Advertisers, buy your spots while they’re still available. After a 50-year buildup, it’s sure to be a ratings grabber.

#Houstonwehaveaproblemagain

I Miss the Socialization, the Variety of Equipment, the Stabbings…

2/21/24

I used to love going to the gym. For a modest yearly fee, I could jog in place to my heart’s content, pedal on a bike like I was Lance Armstrong, and get myself out of breath on the rowing machine. Then COVID came, and I was out of breath for different reasons. Going to the gym became a hazard I couldn’t afford. I haven’t been back since.

But I don’t miss everything about the gym experience. I hated greeted naked people in the locker room (“hey, how’s it hanging?”), I hated having to wait for the popular pieces of equipment, and I hated when people asked to cut in while I was doing my sets.

A set is a collection of repetitions or reps (or repetitions). If your goal is to complete 20 chin ups, you might break your workout into two sets of 10 reps. While you’re taking that break, it’s not unusual for someone to ask you, “Can I work in with you?” Translation: While you’re taking your breaks, can you get greedy your butt up so I can use the machine?

What are you supposed to say? “No, you may not! My goal is to hog this machine until closing time, and you’re just going to have to live with that.” Of course, I could never get myself to say those words, but I wanted to. At the very least, I wanted to say, Could you “find something else to do” until I’m done?

Those were the very words uttered by a patron at a North Austin, Texas gym yesterday when a 69-year-old asked to work in with him at the leg press machine. Apparently, in Texas, those are fighting words. (If I’m ever in Texas, I’ll have to remember that.) The 69-year-old then proceeded to chase the machine hog before stabbing him in the butt with a 4-to-6-inch-long folding knife.

When others attempted to intervene, he shouted, “Who else wants some?” (Yikes! Gyms must have gotten a lot tougher since I left.)

After the man was arrested, he told police that he had just gotten out of jail for a similar attack. He could’ve just told someone that he missed working out in the prison rec yard.

So, for those people who haven’t gone to the gym in a while, you may have to reacquaint yourself with the new gym rules. There may be more than sweat stains on that equipment your eying.

#thegymhassomanyrules

We Don’t Drive Either Well, So Why Are We Combining Them?

2/20/24

This week Poseidon AmphibWorks, a company based in San Diego and Miami, released photos of a car-boat vehicle that’s supposed to revolutionize the industry. The electric three-wheel vehicle will reach speeds of up to 95 mph on land and drive directly onto the water along a launching ramp. The car-boat is also designed to prevent seasickness by elevating the body of the boat on “blades.”

Cars in water? What a lovely idea. What could go wrong? AAA get ready to make a lot of water rescues.

Of course, car-boats aren’t new. In fact, a total of 3,878 Amphicars were built in Germany from 1961 to 1968, the only civilian amphibious passenger automobile ever to be mass produced.  Unsurprisingly, most of those Amphicars were imported to the United States because Americans love combining the two things that we are really bad at: driving and boating. If you’ve ever been to Disney World’s Disney Springs, you might have seen the Amphicar, which is used to provide guided tours by water.

The BOATHOUSE ORLANDO® is the only place in the world that offers the unforgettable & thrilling experience of a Captain’s Guided Tour in a vintage Amphicar. So, naturally, if Disney has one, we should all run to the dealership, or to the dock, or to wherever they sell them, and buy one too, right?

Not so fast.

Has anyone in my audience not seen how badly people drive? Okay, now picture amphibious cars zig-zagging across our waterways where there are no traffic lights or road marking to help them navigate. You know someone is going to try to pop a wheelie.

During COVID, the number of first-time boat owners jumped by over 35 percent, driving up the rate of boating accidents too. Shockingly, only 11.6% of adults and 65.8% of kids wear a life jacket while boating. And I bet you that 0 percent of people wear life jackets while driving cars. So, you know, somebody’s going to back their amphibious car out of their garage, hit traffic on the road, and make the last-minute decision to take a shortcut across water. What makes anyone think they’re going to take the time to strap a floatie around themselves as they dive off that dock?

People can’t even be bothered to wear seatbelts. Which brings us to the other upward trending number in this story. According to the most recent accident statistics available, the number of fatal car crashes in each state has risen significantly over the last several years. From 2018 to 2022, the number of deadly accidents in the United States increased by more than 16%—from 36,835 fatal car crashes in 2018 to 42,795 fatal car crashes in 2022.

Now, picture all those bad drivers in the water (well, not the ones who died in the fatal accidents, but you know what I mean).

So, that car that just cut me off on land is going to zip past me on the water too—and splash water into my face? (Where are my goggles?) And don’t get me started on the expected increase in piracy rates.

“Hey, honey. That guy with the eye patch in the minivan is waving me down. Should I drop anchor for him?”

#thisstoryisallwet

2/18/24

I don’t know how I missed it, but two months ago Las Vegas declared December 21 as Earl Turner Day. Who’s Earl Turner? Boy, have I got a lot of explaining to do.

But first let me give you some highlights from www.earlturner.com before I tell you how Donna and I enter the story. So, the first thing you should know is that Earl Turner is a musician. Actually, he’s no ordinary musician. Anyone who bills himself as “The Ultimate Showman” either has a superiority complex or really knows what they’re doing.

Here are a few highlights from his bio: His musical journey began in a coffee house in Columbia, MO,  just him and his guitar. At 19, he “ran away with the band” and joined a traveling R&B Soul Revue. He played, he danced, he sang. Then he settled in Shreveport, LA and joined a Country and Western Band. Eventually, the road led him to Las Vegas.

And that’s where we met Earl Turner in 2016 (to be more exact, that’s where we saw him perform). During those years we regularly celebrated my birthday in Vegas with Donna’s Aunt Connie and Uncle Fred, two of the warmest and most positive people I’ve ever met.

We had a great time at the Earl Turner show, which we selected at random from all the other shows available in Vegas. But Earl Turner’s R&B promos caught our eye. And if I had been blogging back then, I would’ve devoted multiple posts to his performance. That’s how impressive Earl’s veritable one-man show was.

We had to go back and see him again. So, when 2017 rolled around, we booked our Earl Turner tickets and returned to Vegas for a rendezvous with Connie and Fred. By then we had had a whole year to build up our anticipation. Could he wow us again? In the movies, sequels rarely live up to the hype. This time Earl performed with his son and his sister. The band was smoking hot and the Turners danced their rears off.

After the show, we got to meet the man himself. He was funny and gracious and took the time to pose for a photo. I will never forget that show. And for several years now, we’ve tried to meet up with Connie and Fred for a three-peat of our Earl Turner experience. But, unfortunately, the stars haven’t aligned again yet. Either Earl is performing somewhere else or we’re busy with other plans.

Yesterday marks seven years since that amazing 2017 show. At the time, we thought we could make seeing Earl Turner an annual tradition. But that’s not how life works. You never can tell how things are going to go. It’s my great hope that one day we’ll be able to catch another Earl Turner show. But even if we don’t, I’m grateful for the memories we have.

Thanks for the good times, Connie and Fred.

#countyourblessings

2/16/24

This week, police recovered a car found submerged in a Florida lake near Miami. Only the car’s roof was visible in the lake. But do you know what else was visible in the lake? Before the police could pull the car out of the water, they had to contend with a large alligator lurking nearby.

But that situation is so routine, it’s almost not even worth reporting. Florida is famous for its lakes and retention ponds, its alligators, and its missing cars. I could probably start a daily blog about submerged cars and have plenty of stories left over.

This week, for example, featured a second story about a recovered submerged car, this one discovered less than a mile from where we live. On Wednesday, Florida officials recovered a vehicle containing human remains from a pond off the highway near Disney. The red van was linked to a missing person case from more than 13 years ago, officials said.

With the number of cars (and passengers) that go missing in Florida, you would think authorities might make a bigger effort to solve all those potential shallow-water cold cases, right? Oh, wait. My producer is saying that there’s an outfit called Sunshine State Sonar that already does that.

Actually, they’re a volunteer organization founded by Mike Sullivan, who owns an auto-parts ecommerce company. But in his off time, he offers his diving skills, sonar equipment, and a team of volunteers to any local officials willing to give him any morsel of a clue that could help him chip away at the otherwise-stagnant list of missing persons cold cases.

In 2023 Sullivan found more than 250 cars in Florida’s many human-made canals, ponds and fountains, and he estimates that 1,000 cars are hiding below water in the Miami-Dade area.

To those who may be wondering why so many of Florida’s cars end up submerged, you probably haven’t seen how Floridians drive. Florida has 7,500 lakes, 12,000 miles of waterways, 76,000 artificial ponds for stormwater drainage, and 8.6 million Florida residents 50 years old and older.

Yikes! That there is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand, we could use a second car, even if slightly water logged. So, you seniors keep on driving the way you do. I’ll be by my local retention pond waiting for you to drop by.

#71percentoftheearthiscoveredbywater