You’ve Heard of Florida Man. Now Meet Florida Dog.
Security camera footage captured two vandals taking apart a car. Wait. Are those dogs?
3/29/24
The Florida Man internet meme, first popularized in 2013, refers to an alleged prevalence of people performing irrational or maniacal actions in the state of Florida. I’ve seen people do some dumb things during my time in NYC, but no one can leave you scratching your head like the Florida Man can. So, I guess it was only a matter of time before Florida Man’s best friend starting copying the behaviors of his master.
Yesterday, in Jacksonville, Florida, two dogs did their best impersonation of a Daytona 500 pit crew as they tried to take apart a car in pursuit of a cat that had hidden behind the car’s engine. The incident occurred while the owner of the car was sleeping. When she awoke to an estimated $3,000 worth of damage, she assumed that someone had vandalized her car with a BB gun. Then she reviewed her security camera footage and saw what had shredded her car: two very large dogs.
“If they can do that to metal on a car, they could tear a human being up,” she said.
If you’ve never seen dogs treat a car like a chew toy, check out the YouTube video below.
More disturbing is the fact that the dogs’ owners have yet to be identified. Can you imagine someone letting their dogs out for a midnight stroll, only to have the return with a new-model car bumper between their teeth? (“Hey, honey, did we forget to feed the dogs tonight?”)
So, if you happen to be walking the streets of Jacksonville late at night, please don’t make any catlike movements that might be misinterpreted by a pair of bloodthirsty hounds. We don’t need any more Florida Dog stories.
Picture this: You’re relaxing on a plane, when suddenly a foot appears out of nowhere.
3/28/24
Fads will come and go. Others should just go and keep going. Some are dangerous. Some are stupid. Some were never meant to become a thing.
Do you remember planking? That was the trend where people laid down in the most unusual public spaces with their faces down and arms at their sides. They took pictures and shared them on social media. The trend gained popularity from late 2010 to early 2011. (I’ve tried it, but I think my planks were warped.)
Then there was the ice bucket challenge, which I wouldn’t recommend unless you’re curious about what cardiac arrest feels like. It involved dumping a bucket of ice water over your head. But unlike other internet challenges that were purely focused on racking up views, the ice bucket challenge was charity-centered. Former baseball player and ALS patient Pete Frates helped popularize the challenge and encouraged others to do the same or make a donation toward ALS research.
But those trends are harmless compared to something that’s got the internet abuzz this morning: An airline passenger took a photo of another’s passenger’s foot extended across their armrest and posted it on Reddit. (The airline was not named.) The audacity! The outrage! The idea better not catch on!
So, are we talking about a new trend or a freak incident?
Unfortunately, it’s not the first incident reported of feet invading someone’s personal space on an airplane. The internet is busting with brazen foot photos, so, apparently, it’s an airline-industry-wide problem.
So, what’s a passenger to do? I used to think that women who fling their long hair into the face of the person seated behind them was the epitome of bad manners, but people who fling their feet?
Please don’t let this become a fad. I’ll keep my eye (and my nose) on it for you and report back.
Sometimes It’s Hard to Decide Which Story to Cover
Should I cover the story about the Baltimore bridge or the runaway bulldozer?
3/27/24
I love a funny story. Odd stories can be funny too, even if they’re on the serious side. This week I thought about writing about the barge that collided into the Baltimore bridge, but it’s such a tragic story. Then another story caught my eye about a bulldozer driver gone wild. So, do I write about a bridge collapse or the collapse of common sense? Come on. That’s an easy one.
So, there’s this guy who used to work for this waste management company in Georgia before he got fired in September. Well, this week he decided to pay a visit to his ex-coworkers. It turns out he’s still slightly annoyed about being fired. So what does he do? He engages in a little hijinks, about 75,000 pounds of hijinks.
I guess he figured that stealing a bulldozer would compensate him for any back pay they owed him. But he should’ve taken his dispute up with HR instead of the Norcross Police Department and the Georgia State Patrol. They don’t play around.
Of course, it didn’t take the police long to figure out their cruisers were no match for the stolen bulldozer as it rumbled down the streets of Norcross. So, one police officer decided to fight fire with fire. He returned to the site where the bulldozer was taken and jumped into a bulldozer of his own. The video below highlights the five-mile chase and how the suspect’s bulldozer was taken out by the cop’s front-end loader.
You can’t make this stuff up. During this entire incident, no motorists were injured, nor were any vehicles or patrol cars damaged. After all, the top speed for a front-end loader is only 30 mph.
The bulldozer bandit was charged with criminal trespass; theft by taking, fleeing or attempting to elude; reckless driving, second-degree criminal damage to property, obstruction of a law enforcement officer, and first-degree stupidity.
I’m not sure what the lesson to be learned here is. I guess, if you’re angry about something, count to at least 10. Count to a 100 if necessary, whatever it takes to cool off. But whatever you do, don’t play with your town’s construction equipment like you were a kid again playing with Tonka trucks.
How’s a Person Supposed to Eat Healthy With So Many Pesticides Around?
How’s this supposed to be bad for you?
3/26/24
No matter how many times Donna buys them, I typically ignore the bananas on the kitchen counter and the strawberries in the fridge. Eh, it’s too much work to peel that banana. It’s even more work to open up that plastic container the strawberries come in. Suppose I cut my finger? So, instead, I pour myself a bowl of cereal, which is more my speed. I can handle the labor involved.
Suddenly, I hear Donna rummaging around in the kitchen. She asks if I want a waffle. Sure, I say. I could go for a second breakfast. (Cereal will only get you so far.)
Being the super wife that she is, she sets a plate in front of me. Yes, there’s my waffle, but what’s that other stuff? Is that the strawberries and the bananas I’ve been avoiding? But they look so different when they’re cut up. I’m suddenly willing to invest the time to eat them. How’s that possible?
It turns out that I’m laziest in the morning (and I might even be allergic to knives). In steps Donna to the rescue. She not afraid to slice and dice any fruit that gets in her way. Now those strawberries and bananas are being put to good use. Yay! My hero!
But today I had the misfortune of glancing at the latest fruit and vegetable testing data from the Department of Agriculture and Food and Drug Administration. Their report says that of the 46 items they analyzed, 12 fruits and vegetables were found to be most contaminated with pesticides. Number one on their list is strawberries.
Doh!
Approximately 95% of nonorganic strawberries, spinach and kale, collard and mustard greens, grapes, peaches, and pears tested by the United States government contain detectable levels of pesticides. Nectarines, apples, bell and hot peppers, cherries, blueberries and green beans rounded out the list of the 12 most contaminated samples of produce, a list that’s been dubbed the “Dirty Dozen.”
So, what if I wash my strawberries really well? According to the National Pesticide Information Center, cleaning fruits and vegetables reduces pesticide levels, but “no washing method is 100% effective.”
To remove the most pesticide, they recommend that you start with clean hands before you rub your favorite produce under running water instead of soaking it. Don’t use soap, detergent, or a commercial soak or scrub, which haven’t proven to be any more effective. Then dry the produce with a clean cloth or paper towel to further reduce bacteria that may be present.
Hmm. That sounds like a lot of work. You do realize that I’m the laziest person in the mornings, don’t you? Oh, well. Looks like it’s back to eating Cheerios. Say what? There are pesticides in that too?
Earlier this year, it was discovered that most Americans in a small study tested positive for a pesticide called chlormequat, which is in Quaker Oats and Cheerios. Previous research on animals found that the chemicals can damage reproductive systems and disrupt fetal growth.
Well, I’m not too worried about my reproductive systems or fetal growth, so I guess I’m safe there. But I’m running out of breakfast foods that don’t have pesticides in them.
What else do I like? Hey, how about breaded flounder? Has anybody heard of any pesticide studies about that?
Why is Carnival Freedom‘s rear smokestack shaped like wings?
3/25/24
Clearly, boats were not meant to fly, right? So, how come Carnival Cruise Line keeps building ships with a structure at the back of the ship that looks like the horizontal stabilizers on airplanes? On airplanes, horizontal stabilizers work by generating a downward force, which will counter the upward force produced by winds during flight. So, are the wings on Carnival’s ships ornamental or are we supposed to believe the design is part of a plan to eventually launch a hybrid fleet of ships?
I’m not the only one confused. This weekend one of Carnival’s cruise ships, the Carnival Freedom, caught fire when it was reportedly struck by lightning. Of course, we all know where lightning comes from. That’s right, Zeus, the Greek god of the sky, is responsible for all lightning events. This is the second time in two years that the Carnival Freedom‘s rear smokestack has caught on fire. In a previous post (“Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire“), I reported on the fire that occurred in May 2022.
We sailed on the Carnival Freedom in September of that year. The horizontal wings had not been replaced, so the smokestack had a more traditional smokestack look (no wings). But, apparently, Carnival couldn’t leave well enough alone. They restored the winged smokestack, which forced Zeus’ hand.
The fire on Saturday broke out on the port side of the ship’s exhaust funnel, 20 miles off of the Bahamas’ Eleuthera Island. Although the lightning strike was reported by eyewitnesses, the cause of the fire has yet to be confirmed. My advice to investigators is not to look too closely into the matter, not unless you’re trying to further aggravate Zeus.
Fortunately, the Freedom‘s captain was able to use some quick thinking to put out the fire. By steering the ship toward nearby heavy rains, the ship’s crew was able to extinguish the fire in about two hours. Although the U.S. Coast Guard was on scene, their help was not required (although I heard they helped themselves to the buffet).
The Carnival Freedom is expected to be out of service for about a week while repairs are made. Meanwhile, we wait with bated breath to see what form the new smokestack will take. I say, go with a more futuristic look, maybe a mushroom-shape design. Zeus might be okay with that.
You Don’t Have to Go Home, But You Can’t Stay Here
All vacations must come to an end. Then it’s a race home.
3/22/24
Our cruises always go the same way. As departure day approaches, we’re so excited. Before you know it, we’re out at sea having a good time. Then, about halfway through, a funny thing happens. We start counting the days until we get to go home and see our dogs again. I know what you must be thinking. Did we forget to take our schizophrenia pills?
But when it comes to cruising, we’re not the only ones with multiple personalities. In general, the cruise ship staff is happy to see you arrive. But when it comes time to debark, don’t expect them to beg you to stay. It’s not that they don’t like you. Kicking you off the ship is just a necessary part of their business model. They can’t make any money if you stay and continue to eat their food.
The love/hate behavior I’m trying to describe is best demonstrated by your cabin steward. On our Royal Caribbean Allure of the Seas cruise, we had a sweetheart of a steward named Eka. He made his presence known every day, offering whatever service he could. When he greeted us every morning, we knew he meant it.
But that’s not always the case. Okay, so this is the part of the story where I have to use made-up names. We’ve cruised about 40 times, but on two occasions we had cabin stewards that we could’ve strangled. (Not literally.)
One steward (let’s call him Boris) provided mediocre service for the entire cruise. He was a sour dude, for sure. But on the last day, Boris was downright hostile. That’s when we understood that when the cabin stewards want you out of their way, they’re not kidding around. Boris was under a lot of pressure to prepare for the new arrivals, so he snapped at us.
“Why are you still here? Get off!”
Those may not have been his exact words, but they were close. He might as well have said, “Off with their heads!”
The other steward who deserves an honorable mention (let’s call her Natasha) provided us with zero service from what we could tell. The staff who reported to her performed the daily cleaning of our cabin. We saw Natasha once, on the first day of the cruise when we tipped her and asked for ice. Do you think we ever saw any ice?
I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there was an extraordinary demand for ice on that cruise or the ice machine suffered a breakdown, or the electricity in her area… Nah. It was her. We’ve received good service from too many other stewards to recognize when someone doesn’t care.
But I hate complaining. There will always be people who don’t meet your expectations. The lesson is don’t be like Boris and Natasha. When the world gets you down, be like Rocky and Bullwinkle. Aim for the sky. Book another cruise and keep living your life. That’s what we do.
A Hammock, Donna, and Me. I Couldn’t Have Asked For More.
We couldn’t get in the hammock at the same time. It took teamwork.
3/21/24
Cruise ships can be a lot of fun. But sometimes it’s what you do off the ship that can create the best memories.
Royal Caribbean’s private island is called CocoCay, but they might as well have called it Fantasy Island. It’s got everything that comes to mind when you think about a Caribbean island, palm trees, blue water, and white sand, and a few things you might not think about, like a peacock.
Moments before we saw the peacock, we’d climbed into a hammock, not the easiest thing to do at the same time. From our backs I tried to take photos to celebrate our accomplishment. But my photos came out horrible. I never saw so many fingers. We laughed ourselves silly.
Then the peacock walked by us. It startled Donna, who must have been in such a deep state of relaxation that she later told me that she thought the bird was an alligator.
Peacocks symbolize renewal and resurrection, and when I saw that bird pass so close to us I was stunned. The weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold, we’d just had a good meal, and we were in such a grateful mood. And then the peacock struts by as if to say, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
CocoCay offers hot-air ballooning, water rides, the largest freshwater pool in the Caribbean, and even the opportunity to swim with the pigs. But I wouldn’t have traded any of those things for the moment I shared with Donna on that hammock in the shade.
It just goes to show you that you can’t plan a perfect moment. Sometimes you don’t have to do anything at all to have a perfect day.
If You Could Eat As Much As You Wanted, Whenever You Wanted, Would You?
The pizza shop is open till 3 a.m.
3/20/24
Today I ate chocolate chip cookies. I don’t normally eat chocolate chip cookies at home. Today I also ate midnight pizza. I don’t eat midnight pizza at home either. So, what’s changed my habits from one day to the next? Is it because I’m on a cruise ship that I feel the need to indulge?
When in Rome, do as the Romans do, right? But I didn’t remember any fat Romans in those gladiator movies. So, is that really a good excuse? I’m not hungrier when I cruise. So, why do I eat like I’m an emperor?
As a rule of thumb, unless you make efforts to avoid it, you can put on about a pound of weight for every day you cruise. Yikes! That’s a lot, but it’s also not a surprise. Food is everywhere on a cruise ship, from five-star restaurants to fast food to themed buffets. That doesn’t even cover the room service, ice cream, pizzerias, delis, bakeries, or sweet shops on board.
Thank God the food venues have to eventually close to let the staff sleep, otherwise, cruisers would be eating nonstop. But the problem of overeating is usually one you only face once.
I remember getting back from my first cruise, getting on a scale, and saying “never again.” If you’re smart, you learn that you can’t eat like there’s no tomorrow. There is a tomorrow. There are other cruises. Leave some food for the people piloting the ship.
After my first bad experience, I realized there were things I could do to fight against the battle of the bulge. For example, eating in the dining room instead of the buffet helps with portion control. You can limit those trips for midnight pizza. The stairs can be your friends too. And that room with the treadmills isn’t where you dry your clothes.
Stay active when you cruise. If you’re physically able, walk around your ports of calls. Take time to smell the roses. You can smell the buffet later. You don’t have to eat the cost of your cruise to make your trip worth it.
Royal Caribbean’s Aqua Show: Even the Fish Like to Watch
The show at the Aqua Theater is like watching Navy Seals practice cliff diving.
3/19/24
Two of my favorite things about cruising are the entertainment and taking long showers. (“Hello, Captain? Yes, it’s me. Could you boil some extra ocean water again for me? Yes, I plan on taking another long shower.”)
If I haven’t mentioned it already, we’re on yet another cruise, this time on Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas. With all the cruising we do, some of you may be wondering why we bother with dry land at all. It’s a fair question. I like to think that we are preparing ourselves for when the polar ice caps melt. By always being out at sea, we’ll have a distinct advantage over the rest of you.
As part of our training to desensitize ourselves to water, last night we took in the show at the Aqua Theater, which I can only describe as a gymnastics-style show with lots of splashing. Aerialists, acrobats, and high divers put on an awe-inspiring spectacle that had me looking up to the highest heights of the ship and shaking my head. Seagulls didn’t even get up that high. Every time I glanced up, someone was dropping down out of the sky.
But they didn’t just dive, they danced and trampolined and stood on each other’s heads on a stage that was solid one second and water the next. I kept waiting for someone to slip up. Do the performers’ moms and dads know the risks their children take to make sure I have a great vacation? It’s not necessary, but I appreciate it.
My favorite part of the show was when the announcer asked for a round of applause for the performers, who in turn applauded the safety team, who suddenly popped up out of the water, two guys with goggles, swim fins, and oxygen tanks. After spending the entire show under the water just to make sure no one drowned, they waved at the audience with these big cheesy smiles. Look, mom and dad, we told you we’d be in show business one day.
You never know what’s going to happen on a cruise ship.
3/18/24
Imagine this: You’re on a cruise ship watching a magic show. After a magician asks for a volunteer to help him perform a magic trick, a female from the audience steps to the stage. Nothing unusual yet. Then the magician asks her to place a card in her mouth while he places one in his and leans in for a pretend “kiss”—the part of a trick where the magician “swaps” cards with his volunteer.
What could possibly go wrong? I mean, who could’ve predicted the woman’s male partner would charge the stage and shove the magician so hard that he hit his head on the stage. The ship’s medical team would later advise him to see a neurologist. Now that’s drama on the high seas.
The incident occurred last year on Royal Caribbean’s Quantum of the Seas, but has only now reached the courts. The magician is suing both Royal Caribbean and the guest who thought the show was a good time to bust out his best Will Smith impersonation. The attack is, of course, a clear violation of Royal Caribbean’s Guest Conduct Policy, which states that guests may not engage in “uninvited physical contact” with any crew member. Nor is “discourteous or disruptive” behavior permitted. I assume that interrupting a live performance and shoving an entertainer to the floor counts as a violation, but maybe the guy thought he was at an interactive WrestleMania show.
Not.
Ironically, I can’t tell you how many cruise ship comedy shows I’ve been to where the comedian picked on an audience member so badly that I was sure fists were going to fly. (“Excuse me, Security! I believe I just saw this evening’s comedian just fly over the railing. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t part of his act.”)
Of course, cruise ship violence is no laughing matter, and Donna and I have never witnessed altercations on any of our vacations. But our current cruise does find us sailing in the middle of Spring Break. So, wish us well.
