Funny Travel Tales

You Think You Have It Rough Until You See What Rough Looks Like

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5/7/24

Yesterday marked the 87th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster. The Hindenburg was a German dirigible (also called a zeppelin), the largest rigid airship ever constructed. In 1937 it caught fire while attempting a landing in Lakehurst, NJ (nothing good ever happens in Jersey) and 35 of the 97 passengers and crew died. One person on the ground also died (probably because they thought they had time to run away from a falling balloon).

So, the next time you’re traveling and you’re stuck in traffic, or the train is delayed, or they run out of Diet Coke on your airline traveling at 500 mph, think for a second before you complain. The people who came before you used to travel by blimp.

And they probably didn’t complain either. Imagine telling your friends that you floated over their house and saw how small their pool looked? To travel by airship was cool. The Hindenburg’s passengers could travel from Europe to North and South America in half the time of the fastest ocean liner, and they traveled in luxurious accommodations the airlines couldn’t match.

But after more than 30 years of passenger travel—and tens of thousands of passengers flying over a million miles on more than 2,000 flights without a single injury—the era of the passenger airship was over in a few fiery minutes.

One spark of electricity.

A balloon filled with hydrogen.

Boom.

If you’ve never watched a video of the disaster, watch the YouTube video below (it’s only a minute long). For some reason, I guess because Americans were so awestruck by zeppelins, there was a broadcast of the event. That’s where you hear the famous line, “Oh, the humanity!“

But my favorite line is when the broadcaster says “I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen” as he continues to talk. He is, of course, terribly emotional about what he’s witnessing.

You don’t find that kind of emotionality in today’s travel. Flying has become almost boring—that is, or course, unless you’re on a Boeing plane. In that case, start those cameras rolling.

#RandygetsatoyzeppelininAChristmasStory

Living Well is the Best Revenge

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5/6/24

In case you were wondering how those bear cubs are doing who were forcibly removed from a tree to pose with selfie-takers in April, one of the bear cubs is supposedly doing well at an animal sanctuary (the other bear cub hasn’t been found; see my post titled Un-Bearable). The press is reporting the story as a happy ending, but is it really?

I’m sure the Appalachian Wildlife Refuge, where the bear is being rehabbed (or should I say “habbed,” due to its young age), is a lovely place. But an orphaned bear is still an orphaned bear. To its credit, the refuge allows cubs to gain weight and learn survival skills before they are released into the wild at about 7-8 months old, and they make sure that their bear residents have the ability to search for food (brought in daily) before they are released.

But is that really what the bear wants? Has someone asked the bear? If they did, I imagine a TV interview would go something like this:

INTERVIEWER: We’re here with the famous orphaned bear cub. Can you tell over viewers how you’re doing?

BEAR: It’s been unbearable. By the way, I can say that. You can’t.

INTERVIEWER: Understood. You must miss your mom and your sibling. I assume you have some choice words for those people who pulled you from the tree.

BEAR: Grrrrrrr…..

INTERVIEWER: Understood. But you know what they say about the best revenge, don’t you? Living well is the best revenge.

BEAR: Oh, really? Is that what you humans say when you’re yanked from the hiding spot where your mom painstakingly put you while she went to find dinner? Oh, that doesn’t happen to you because if someone did grab you that would result in kidnapping and possibly human trafficking charges? I had a lot of mother’s milk coming to me. Who’s going to give me that, you?

INTERVIEWER: I can see the wounds are still fresh. Let’s move on. When the wildlife refuge releases you, what are your plans?

BEAR: You mean will I be able to survive without the benefits of parental involvement and become a respected member of society, or will I focus every fiber of my being on getting payback for what happened to me? Say what you mean!

INTERVIEWER: Uh…

(Bear grabs the microphone.)

BEAR: If you’re watching this, you selfie sickos, I’m coming to get you! I’m going to find out where you live, drag you out of your house, take pictures, post them on social media… and then I’m going to start acting like a bear!

Yikes. The orphaned bear is expected to be released into the wild this fall. I would advise certain someones to mark their calendars accordingly.

#YogitheBar-Bearian

Here’s Your Chance to Search For a Celebrity

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5/2/24

When I heard the story of Wally, the emotional support alligator, I was stunned to learn that a gator could be an emotional support animal (ESA). Then I was stunned to learn he was missing. Finally, I was stunned when I discovered that Wally is a TV star.

As Captain Kirk would say, “Set phasers on stun.”

Of course, any domesticated animal of any age can be an ESA (cats, dogs, mice, rabbits, birds, hedgehogs, rats, minipigs, ferrets, etc.) as long as they are manageable in public and don’t create a nuisance. The owner must have a qualifying mental health or psychiatric disability and present a prescription letter from a licensed mental health professional.

Wally and his Pennsylvania owner met all requirements. And thus, in 2019, the love story between Wally and his owner began. They traveled everywhere together, and in 2022 they began posting videos of their travels on TikTok. (@WallyTheAlligator). His owner even took him to a Philadelphia Phillies game before he was turned away. (Really, Wally? That’s your team?)

“WallyGator is an amazing creature,” his owner said. “He senses [people’s] emotions and gives hugs to try to cheer people up. He has come with me to radiation and has brought cheer to other patients and the doctors and nurses.”

But Wally’s story took a turn for the worse when his owner recently took him on a trip to Georgia, where Wally was stolen from his enclosure by a person who likes to drop gators in people’s yards “to terrorize them.” (Really? Gator-napping is a thing? I thought I was the only one who needed a new hobby.) Georgia’s Department of Natural Resources hired a trapper who captured Wally and released him into a swamp with other alligators.

That’s right, Wally the domesticated gator who gives people hugs has been dumped into a swamp like he was some kind of a…you know, gator. Although the odds are “slim to none” of finding Wally, Wally’s owner has put out a call for help in finding him. Wally has never been in the wild and doesn’t have the survival skills to exist in a habitat that doesn’t include someone feeding and caring for him.

So, if you’re in the area, if you could just head down to that Georgia swamp… Hmm. I may be busy tomorrow.

But jokes aside, if you can help poor Wally’s owner in any way, I’m sure he would appreciate it. Wally isn’t only a beloved ESA, he’s a TV star too. That’s Wally’s likeness on the poster for Disney’s TV show Loki.

Wally became so famous on social media that he caught the eye of the writer of Loki, who’d already come up with the idea of using an alligator version of Loki but needed a visual reference. So, he decided to use Wally.

So, if you’re out there Thor, and if you have a few minutes, your half-brother Loki needs your help. Can you hustle up some of the Avengers and start a search party? Thanks.

#Wallymaynotbewearingahornedhelmet

If I Find It, I’m Keeping It

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4/30/24

In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, Jerry pretends to have a dark side so that George will look funnier in front of a woman he likes. That’s when Elaine says to Jerry, “You cannot not be funny,” which has always been my opinion of the comedian. So often when I see him on TV, he seems to be on the verge of cracking himself up. So, I was shocked this week when a story came out about Seinfeld having a dark side, which featured a photo of a depressed-looking Seinfeld. I didn’t even know his mouth muscles could go in that direction.

Is Seinfeld pulling our leg, or is it just a response to turning 70? It’s hard to believe that he’s been doing comedy for 50 years. But it turns out that he’s serious about being serious. In fact, he recently admitted that he often wrestles with a “darkening mood.” I can’t even picture that. Do you mean you prefer dark clothes now, Jerry?

“Sometimes I just don’t feel good,” Seinfeld said during a recent interview. “And the best way to get out of it for me is work. Work is the best antidote. That’s why I work so much, because . . . for some reason, you feel like you’re not wasting time.”

For those curious about what kind of work has been keeping Seinfeld busy, you won’t have to wait long to find out. The comedian stars in, co-writes and directs the new Netflix comedy “Unfrosted,” which starts streaming this Friday. 

Please don’t tell me the movie is about a serial killer whose favorite cereal is Unfrosted Flakes. I don’t want to find out that Seinfeld has gone that dark.

But a sneak preview of the movie has relieved my worries. It stars Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, Hugh Grant and many other comedians and is a satire about Kellogg’s and Post in a heated raced to create a new breakfast treat that you pop into the toaster.

You mean his movie is about Pop-Tarts? That sounds exactly like something the old Seinfeld would’ve done.

Whew! In that case, I don’t care if Seinfeld wants to maintain a dark side, or a medium dark side, or lightly toasted side. Just keep making us laugh.

You cannot not be funny.

#Happybirthday?Nosuchthing

My First True Love Was A Dog Named Rusty

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4/30/24

Tomorrow is National Adopt a Shelter Pet Day. Forgive me for celebrating a day early, but it gives me an excuse to talk about my first family dog, a German shepherd/collie mix that we adopted from a shelter.

Her name was Rusty, which was short for Rustina). She was named by my older brother Nelson, who was a big fan of a TV show called The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin, an American Western series. The show starred a boy named Rusty, who was orphaned during an Indian raid and was being raised by the U.S. Cavalry soldiers who’d rescued him. Throughout the TV series, Rusty and his German shepherd Rin Tin Tin help the soldiers establish order in the American West.

Apparently, my father saw how much my brother loved the show and, in particular, how he much he loved that dog, that one day he purchased and brought home a fully grown German Shepherd named Diane, who resembled Rin Tin Tin.

Nelson was nine at the time, my sister was four, I was two, and my brother Carlos was a few months old. We lived in a townhouse in Manhattan, which had a backyard, so we thought we had everything a dog would need. But my mom was none too happy that Pop had brought home a huge dog into a house with an infant without discussing it with her first.

Then tragedy struck, just a day after we got Diane. She was killed when she escaped from our backyard and ran into the street where she was struck by a taxi several blocks away. Nelson went to the scene of the accident the next day and saw the remains of the accident: a trail of dried, dark blood tattooed on the street. He cried that entire week, feeling guilty for having left the front door of the house open while he talked with a friend, which allowed Diane to charge out the door.

The following year, Pop tried again. This time he took Nelson to a dog shelter where our family adopted a puppy Nelson named Rusty. (Rin Tin Tin would’ve been too much!)

Rusty was a handful in the beginning. She was too young to be separated from her mommy and cried all night for many months, pooping and peeing on the floor. She was a kind and gentle dog but afraid of so many things. (Unfortunately, we have no photos of her.)

But what I remember most about her was how she taught me to believe in miracles. One night Rusty escaped from us as we walked her on a leash. As she disappeared into the busy Manhattan traffic, cars whizzed by. I was sure she would be killed. (Imagine two dogs dying the same way?) Third Avenue had at least four or five lanes of traffic, which meant four or five opportunities to get struck. How she emerged untouched on the opposite sidewalk was truly a miracle. We were so happy to be given a second chance with her.

Of course, we had many ups and downs with Rusty during her 14 years of life. At one point, after we lost the townhouse, our family traded dwelling places with Pop’s sister. Rusty wasn’t allowed to live in the apartment where we moved, so she lived for several years with our aunt.

Even after she moved back with us, we were separated again. This time it was because Pop became the owner of a deli and he wanted a dog to live in the store and guard it overnight (but we still spent time with her). That arrangement lasted for several more years before Pop got a real guard dog for the store and brought Rusty back home.

Rusty lived with us from then on until the day she passed away. Nelson said he had just returned home from classes at Manhattan Community College when he saw Rusty lying on the floor. She had been sick for a number of days and was not getting better. But when he examined her closer, he found she was dead.

Nelson says he didn’t fully grieve until the following day when he saw a man and his dog playing catch across the street. When he got home, he threw himself on his bed and wept until our three-year-old niece Valerie kissed him on the cheek to comfort him. The pain of losing our beloved dog Rusty stayed with all of us, but particularly Nelson, for a long time.

I don’t know why God gives us these wonderful companions who die so young, but I’m so grateful that I’ve lived long enough to have experienced so many great dogs in my life. Thanks for starting it off, Rusty, and for spoiling us with your dog love.

#Godspelledbackwardisdog