Month: October 2023

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10/31/23

Today is Peter Jackson’s birthday. Mr. Jackson is the New Zealand film director, screenwriter, and film producer of such movies as the Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001–2003) and The Hobbit trilogy (2012–2014), both of which were adapted from J. R. R. Tolkien novels. I also say his name is my house at least once a day.

“Hey, Pete Jackson,” I say as I rub our dog Pete’s head.

Pete’s given name is actually Peter Parker (like the Spiderman character), but I’ve always preferred Peter Jackson, after the movie director. It’s amazing how many things Mr. Jackson and I have in common.

For example, we’re both dog lovers, our favorite childhood movie was King Kong, we’re both fans of director George Romero, and we love the work of Ray Harryhausen, the best stop-motion animation artist in the movie business. Mr. Jackson also has a net worth of $1.5B (third behind George Lucas and Steven Spielberg).

Whoa. Sadly that is where similarities between myself and Mr. Jackson end. But money is a dirty thing, so why dwell on it? Back to our similarities.

What I’ve always loved about Peter Jackson’s work is his keen eye for detail. He’s known for his insistence on shooting a scene from as many angles as possible, giving him more options during editing, as well as spending days shooting a single scene. Been there, done that.

I don’t mean to brag, but I too dabbled in moviemaking in my twenties. I doubt you’ve seen any of my work, but my films were all the rage in my tight circle of friends. (Hey, guys, can you give me back my VHS tapes? They might be worth something.)

I remember spending hours setting up a shot. If Hollywood special-effects artists could do stop-motion animation, why couldn’t I? For my subject I used one of my daughter’s toys, a flexible California Raisin figure. Does anyone remember these figures? They were a fictional rhythm and blue animated musical group made famous in a 1986 Sun-Maid raisin commercial.

In half-second intervals, I walked that California Raisin from the top of the stairs to the bottom, moving his arms and legs in a choreographed dance as he descended. Then I added my soundtrack, “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” (Do you know how hard that is to do with a boombox and a VHS camcorder?)

Like I said, it was a big hit among the people I showed it too. Now if only I could get my hands on that tape. Does anyone know if there’s a black market for stop-motion animation videos? If there is, people, keep an eye out for one featuring a California Raisin dancing down a slightly frayed, brown carpeted staircase. You might hear my daughter crying in the background that daddy took her toy.

#Ibetyou’rewonderinghowIknew

10/30/23

Ever do the wave at a stadium? It’s when people sitting in one section of seats stands and throws their hands in the hair signaling that the section next to them in the direction the wave is moving should stand and do the same. The goal is to get everyone in the stadium joining in and becoming part of the wave. It’s dumb but fun.

You know where else you can find fun waves? In the ocean. But those can be dumb too, especially if you try to ride them. I support staying active and participating in sports as we grow older, but I draw the line at surfing. Maybe it’s because I live in Volusia County, Florida, shark capital of the world. Our beaches are also known for having undertows called rip tides, rip currents, or rips.

These rips are powerful, narrow channels of water that move quickly away from shore, pulling swimmers hundreds of yards offshore. And in an active hurricane season like we are experiencing in 2023, rips are particularly dangerous. They’re also difficult to spot. A storm can be hundreds of miles off a coastline and still produce surf hazards.

I read a story last month about a 72-year-old surfer who drowned when he was separated from his surf board by a rip tide in Daytona. Even good swimmers are not immune to being victimized by these killer undertows. But I suppose the man was just trying to live his best life. He wasn’t trying to be reckless.

Then there are those who don’t give a damn.

In NYC surfing deaths have increased too, but these deaths have nothing to do with water. Encouraged by social media dares, “train surfing” has become a thing in the Big Apple. When I was a kid, I frequently walked between cars, just to get from one car to another, and I occasionally rode between the subway cars (it was a peer pressure thing), but I never dreamed there’d be a day when kids rode on top of the trains for sport.

According to the Metropolitan Transit Authority, which keeps track of reports of people riding outside of train cars, 2022 saw a whopping case of 928 incidents.

And as of June 2023, the New York Police Department reported that the number of arrests for “unsafe riding,” which includes subway surfing, more than doubled from the previous year.

What’s next? When people start tiding on the outside of airplanes, let me know.

#nevermind

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10/27/23

In my NFL video dated 10/26/23 (see NFL tab), I stated that the best way to avoid trouble if you encounter an angry buffalo in a national park is to seek cover (as opposed to making yourself large or making lots of noise, the way you might if you were faced with a bear). Although my video was about the NFL Buffalo Bills, I was trying to be funny as well as educational. Well, I totally blew it. My reference to buffalo was erroneous.

Today I looked up the difference between buffalo and bison, and here’s what I discovered: That song that goes “Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam” is full of malarkey. According to the Smithsonian, buffalo and bison are distinct animals. Old World “true” buffalo (Cape buffalo and water buffalo) are native to Africa and Asia. Bison are found in North America and Europe. Blame the early European settlers for the mess up.

So, if you’re in a restaurant and overhear someone talking about the lovely buffalo in Yellowstone National Park, feel free to stand up and interject.

“Pardon me. I believe you are referring to the bison in Yellowstone National Park.”

Then get ready to run if food gets thrown at you. Some people hate to be corrected in public. These are probably the same people who also get too close to the bison when they visit Yellowstone.

Earlier this week, a man abandoned his vehicle in the middle of the road near Bridalveil Fall in Yellowstone National Park to stroll up to a herd of bison and start snapping photos. It’s just one example of the bad behavior exhibited by tourists at our national parks. He also ignored one of the signs that bison are agitated, tail flicking, which can be a prelude to a charge. Fortunately for the bison paparazzi, he backed off when a law enforcement officer told him to move at least 25 yards back from the herd.

It’s obvious that some people’s obsession with the perfect social media photograph has gotten out of hand. Perhaps it’s an overreaction to being hunkered down during COVID. So, did COVID make people more willing to take foolish chances with their lives, or did it just warp their brains?

Here are some other examples of bad behavior by tourists at national parks this summer:

–A bison calf had to be euthanized after a man lifted it from a river, prompting its herd to reject it.  

–Two black bears died after being struck by vehicles at Yellowstone National Park.

–Tourists put an elk calf in their car.

–A shirtless man harassed bears at Yellowstone by growling and charging at them.

–A woman ignored warnings and put her hand in a steaming hot spring at Yellowstone National Park.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Stupid is as stupid does. Now, how did I get here again? Oh, yes. A bison and a buffalo are not the same.

#doyoufeelsmarternow?

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10/26/23

In early 2020, COVID ravaged the land. The cruise we were scheduled to go on in March was canceled, and workers like me were told to work from home temporarily, just until things settled down. Santa also promised me a big raise that year.

Fast forward to the present. According to the results of a survey released by the CDC this week, 18 million people reported having had “long COVID” since the pandemic began and about 9 million currently have it. Ouch. Thanks for that reminder, CDC.

I think it’s safe to say that we’ll be feeling the effects of COVID for the rest of our lives, including in the news cycle, where a judge has ruled against Carnival Corp’s Australian unit and ordered them to pay the medical expenses of a woman who contracted COVID-19 aboard the Ruby Princess in March 2020.

The judge ruled that Carnival “knew or ought to have known about the heightened risk of coronavirus infection on the vessel, and its potentially lethal consequences . . . yet they proceeded regardless.” Carnival Australia misled passengers about the measures it had in place to keep passengers from contracting the virus and that it should have cancelled the March 2020 cruise.

The ruling is the first class-action victory against a cruise operator globally, and the plaintiff was awarded $4,423.48 for out-of-pocket medical expenses plus interest. No damages, however, were awarded. So, are we seeing the start of a wave of COVID lawsuits? (I do recall feeling a bit woozy on that cruise ship that one time….)

But the wackiest COVID news this week is that the Federal Trade Commission is suing four defendants to stop them from deceptively marketing their 1 Virus Buster Invisible Mask. You read correctly. You can’t see the mask because there is no mask.

The defendants claim that their product, a “card” worn around the neck or clipped onto clothing, is a scientifically proven defense against COVID-19 and other diseases and that it is a government-approved device.

They claim it “uses quantum theory technology” and “combines known virus and bacteria killing compounds. It is safe, simple, and effective. All you need to do is hang it around your neck or attach it to your collar, close to your mouth and nose. . . it kills 99.9% of most harmful bacterial and viruses… [within a three-foot radius].”

Hmm. I don’t know anything about quantum theory. But if viruses and bacteria are indeed being scared off, it might just be because there’s something written on that card, maybe something like “Stay back! My idiocy is contagious!” Even viruses and bacteria have to be careful.

#justiceprevails

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10/24/23

This amazing story comes out of Sitka, Alaska. I gravitated toward it because it’s about an older dog. (Donna and I have a soft spot for senior dogs.) It’s also a frontier tale (isn’t everything out of Alaska a frontier tale?), and if the plot sounds like a Disney movie, it’s probably because it is.

Stella, a 13-year-old golden retriever, went missing in July after a sudden burst of fireworks startled her from the back porch of her home, where she was sitting with her family, and sent her scampering into the woods. (Statistics show that more dogs are lost over the 4th of July holiday than any other time of the year.) Despite her family’s frantic efforts to find her that night, Stella remained missing.

The next day, neighbors reported that they’d heard an altercation in the woods between a bear and a dog. Stella’s family feared the worst. Had Stella been killed by a bear?

But throughout the summer, Stella’s family continued their search, regularly hiking the trails near where the golden retriever went missing. They followed up on every potential Stella sighting, never giving up hope.

Finally, 65 days after her disappearance, Stella was spotted in a rock quarry. She’d lost almost half her body weight, about 30 pounds, but she’d survived on her own in the wilderness. (My dogs, Pete and Sophie, couldn’t have lasted a day in the woods, let alone a day without their doggie treats.) Stella’s family suspects that she’d survived by eating berries and roots. Stella also had a wide gash on her left side, which her family believes could’ve been caused by a bear.

So, let me get this straight. Stella survived on roots and berries, lived in the woods for months, and survived a bear attack? Are we talking about a dog or Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant?

Either way, it’s an amazing adventure. And from the photo below, poor Stella certainly looks like she’s been through the wringer.

So, give your pet a big hug today, knowing that they give us way more than we give them.

#IloveyouPeteandSophie

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10/23/23

Passengers should be able to fly in peace without having a scene out of a movie break out in the cockpit. Yesterday, on an Alaska Airlines plane flying from Seattle to San Francisco, a person not authorized to fly the plane almost shut down the engines. Surprisingly, they were authorized to be in the cockpit.

In the movie Catch Me If You Can (the true story of con man Frank Abagnale), you may recall a scene where Leonardo DiCaprio pretends to be a pilot and flies in the cockpit in what is called a jump seat, a common way to transport pilots from one destination to another. Abagnale estimates that he conned his way onto flying on some 250 flights, over 1 million miles, to 26 countries between the age of 16 and 18.

But unlike the movie, the man who tried to take control of the Alaska Airlines flight was actually on off-duty pilot just hitching a ride. His plans to become a modern day kamikaze legend were thwarted by the first officer and the captain, who calmly summarized the experience this way:

“We’ve got the guy that tried to shut the engines down out of the cockpit. It doesn’t sound like he’s got any issue in the back right now. I think he’s subdued.”

He was promptly booked on 83 counts of attempted murder, 83 counts of reckless endangerment, and a count of endangering an aircraft. But none of the incident reports makes mention of the man’s motives.

Perhaps he was just a fan of the classic comedy movie Airplane, where passenger Ted Striker takes over flying duties after the captain and copilot (Peter Graves and Kareem Adul-Jabbar) get sick from eating bad fish. Maybe the man had flashbacks that he was back in the war. Maybe he was just trying to get those enemy fighters off his tail. Maybe he meant to press the inflatable auto pilot.

Aw, who am I kidding? The man’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Lock him up.

#cocoapuffstastedbetterwhenIwasakid

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10/20/23

When I heard that someone had pretended to be a mannequin in an attempt to rob a department store, I assumed it had to be a Florida man. Boy, was I surprised to discover that the incident actually took place in Warsaw, Poland. But it sounds like Poland is the Florida of Europe, this story may still qualify as a Florida Man story.

In the photo above, you can see the man standing motionless in the store window holding a bag. (As a kid, he must’ve been a champion Red Light Green Light player.) Presumably he held this pose for hours while he waited for the store to close, which begs the questions: Why didn’t any of the employees notice their new, much paler mannequin? And what would’ve happened if someone had tried to move him?

The 22-year-old suspect, however, got away with being unnoticed and waited until the store closed before going into various departments and taking jewelry. Note to department store: Next time do a background check on all of your mannequins.

And this isn’t even mannequin man’s first brush with the law. He’s been accused of other shopping center incidents. On another day, he allegedly went to a shopping center bar after closing time and “ate his fill,” then entered a designer clothes shop “to exchange his clothes for new ones.”

Okay. Enough is enough. Poland, you have to crack down on mannequin mischief. In the States our mannequins are much better behaved. In fact, the only time I’ve even seen mannequins trying to rip people off is on Fremont Street in Las Vegas.

Have you ever seen these entertainers? Most of the time you’ll find them standing absolutely still, painted head to toe in silver or gold, their tip buckets close at hand. But it’s often difficult to tell exactly what they expect to be tipped for. Is it their beautiful costumes? Is it the fact that they can remain silent (I’ve never heard them speak) and motionless for so long?

We watched one long enough to discern a pattern: If people tipped well enough, they might move for you. Their slightest move would then encourage more tipping. But, in general, the mannequin performers of Fremont Street seem perfectly satisfied with teasing people, rewarding those who give money, and ignoring the rest of us. Such rudeness!

I say, ship them all off to Poland. Let’s see how long they can make a living out there before having to resort to department store hijinks.

#don’tgetmestartedonblowupdolls

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10/19/23

One of our favorite places to visit was in the news this week, and not for breaking tourist records. The Southernmost Point on Key West is one of the biggest attractions on the island, but it was also the scene of one of an unbelievable crime—and not the kind of crime where someone sees you wearing a loud shirt and says, “Don’t you know it’s a crime to wear that?”

This crime was much more serious. It occurred two years ago, but sentencing took place last week. The crime was rape. The location was the Southernmost Point. But that’s not even the worst part of the story. The man who was sentenced was only one of two separate rapists in the story. So, this Funny Travel Tale is more bizarre than funny.

It started when the victim met a stranger at a bar, which already has the sound of a true crime story. She makes the mistake of getting in a car with him and, bang, she’s in trouble. He sexually assaults her on the street but is interrupted by a passerby. Yay! He chases the bad guy off and she gets rescued! That’s where the story should have ended.

Unfortunately, some people like to be rewarded for their good deeds. That’s when the story goes from bad to worse. The rescuer turns out to be a creep. He drives the victim to a new location, the Southernmost Point, and also sexually assaults her. But what rapist #2 doesn’t realize is that the Southernmost Point has a security camera aimed at it 24 hours a day.

That’s when a 911 dispatcher, 1,600 miles away in Boston, just happens to see the assault being live streamed and calls the local cops. Not only is rapist #2 arrested, but the victim is able to provide video from her phone showing the identify of rapist #1.

The arrests of the two rapists doesn’t improve the story much. It’s still a sad tale. But at least, for once, technology actually came in handy. Now, if only I can get our robot vacuum cleaners to stop unplugging my computer while I’m in the middle of….

Doh!

#notthatkindoffunny

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10/18/23

Ever wake up feeling down? Well, I didn’t exactly wake up feeling this way. I just somehow managed to stumble in that direction after a couple of hours. Now, I’m stuck.

I remember feeling this bad once before. It was right after I got married for the first time. This is no reflection on my first wife Gail. It had to do with our financial and situational state. We were so broke we couldn’t even afford a fun and exciting honeymoon. To this day, I don’t know how we ended up in Buffalo, NY. (Please, Buffalonians, no nasty emails.)

I think we drove in that direction from NYC because we wanted to see Niagara Falls. Of course, without passports we weren’t even even allowed to cross over to the Canadian side of the falls. I don’t even think we knew that the Canadian side was better.

The American side of Niagara Falls isn’t as developed as the Canadian side. Therefore, there are fewer things to do and see on the American side. (So, we definitely deserved bad marks for our lack of research.)

But we made the best of the trip, stopping at the world-famous Buffalo Zoo (I don’t really know if it’s world-famous, but it’s the third-oldest U.S. zoo), and some museums. No matter how I frame the story though, it was definitely a honeymoon on a budget. Buffalo isn’t exactly known for its glamor and pizzazz. (Now where did I get that word from?)

On the drive back home we laughed about our adventure, but we were nervous too. We were newlyweds starting our lives together, and we had nowhere to live. Kind of, if you don’t count my room in my mom’s house in the Bronx.

I’m lucky Gail didn’t laugh in my face when I invited her to live with me, my mom, and my siblings. But her home life was a disaster, and it would’ve driven her insane to live there a moment longer. Living with me and my mom was probably an upgrade in her eyes.

That didn’t keep me from feeling inadequate though. I wanted so badly to be her knight in shining armor. But when you rescue a damsel in distress, you should really have a castle to take her to. Bringing my wife home to live with my mother was awkward, to say the least (I won’t provide the details). But it was also depressing.

“What kind of life am I living?” 23-year-old me moaned aloud.

Of course, my situation improved with time. Within a few months, Gail and I had full-time jobs and were living in our own apartment. But I will never forget that initial struggle.

Writing about those days makes me feel better. It gives me some perspective. I suppose that’s one of the advantages of having your own blog to write in. So, thank you, dear audience, for letting me work through this funk with you.

Now, onto happier thoughts….

#sunnydaysweepingthecloudsaway…