When I’m cruising, I kind of feel like one of those ancient mariners. During the Age of Discovery, between the 1400s and the 1500s, explorers like Columbus, Magellan Vespucci, Cabot, da Gama, and Drake sailed across the Atlantic Ocean to make great discoveries. But having sailed the same waters as those gentlemen, I feel qualified to say we’ve made some discoveries too.
First of all, cruise ships move pretty slow, about 20 knots when they’re trying to get somewhere. One knot is a little more than 1 mph. Columbus’ ship sailed at about 4 knots. With a good wind, it could do about 9 knots. I think I moved about that speed when I was heading to the cruise ship dining room.
A ride on a wooden sailing vessel would also have been bumpier than our cruise ship. In general, the larger the ship the smoother the ride. Still, as I sat on the deck of the Celebrity Summit, feeling a little like a celebrity myself, I imagined what it was like for sailors back in the day. Could I have roughed it like they did? I’m sure Columbus’ crew didn’t have the luxury of reclining in lounge chairs like I did, but our view would’ve been about the same, sunny skies one minute and dark clouds the next. Yesteryear’s sailors would’ve tried to outrun the rain. But not me. I let the cool droplets hit my face as I signaled for the bar attendant to bring me another pina colada.
I don’t suppose Columbus’ crew consumed too many pina coladas. Although it might’ve helped them fight off scurvy, if the brain freeze didn’t get them first. Could they have handled drinking through soggy straws? I thought long and hard about what sailing conditions were like for Columbus. But I kept getting distracted by the all-female band playing on deck. The soothing music made me want to take a nap.
Napping would’ve been difficult for Columbus’ crew. The Nina and the Pinta were so small that they would’ve had to have napped on deck. The Santa Maria, which was larger, at least had tiny cabins where sailors could sleep between eight-hour shifts. The bed that Donna and I slept in was probably bigger than their cabins, and I’m sure the crew didn’t have a room steward to leave chocolates on their pillows every night.
In all fairness, I think the haddock I had last night was undercooked and the cherries jubilee portions looked small. But we all have our burdens to bear.
We went all the way to Mexico to find this little brown jug.
10/30/22
Sometimes you gotta’ have what you gotta’ have. Cozumel is one of our favorite cruise destinations, just because we’re so familiar with the port. We don’t really do anything extraordinary in Cozumel. We mostly stick to our routine: buying items we can’t get in the U.S. Oh, we’ve done excursions, and we’ve shopped for souvenirs. But we could do those things anywhere. What we can’t do anywhere is buy cheap prescription medications over the counter. Buying those kinds of meds in Mexico and bringing them into the U.S. is not illegal.
But I’m sure the next part of our routine differs from what others may do. After we left the pharmacy, we stopped at the duty-free shop to buy some chocolate tequila. Donna’s developed a real taste for it, and we’ve never been able to find it anywhere else but Cozumel. The previous times we’ve bought it, we were cruising with Carnival, which is a critical part of this story. Because yesterday when we pulled into Cozumel, it was aboard a Celebrity cruise ship, and the dock we anchored at was a quarter of a mile from the duty-free shop where we usually buy our chocolate tequila.
It was a hot day, but the walk was manageable, so off we went. We’ve never felt unsafe in Cozumel, but on this day we passed policemen armed with machine guns. We also saw uniformed soldiers. We’d never noticed them on previous visits and wondered if conditions had changed in Cozumel. Nevertheless, we weren’t going to be deterred from making our purchase. But at the entrance to the duty-free shop, we were stopped by a security guard. Over his shoulder, a Carnival ship was parked.
He inspected our cruise ship photo IDs and calmly informed us that we couldn’t proceed any further. The duty-free shop was only for Carnival passengers. I thought Donna might strangle the man. But she restrained herself and explained our predicament. We’d traveled a long way to get our chocolate tequila, which was mere feet away. Donna assured the guard that we would quietly make our purchase and be on our way. But the man only repeated what he’d said in perfect English. We couldn’t go in. But to us it sounded like, “Yankee go home.”
Donna was furious, but the guard offered a solution. He pointed to a red storefront behind us.
“They sell the same things in that store. Go there.”
We laughed, and suddenly everyone was friends again. The guard wasn’t going to have to call the armed policemen over, and we were going to get our chocolate tequila. Problem solved.
Except it wasn’t. The other store also refused to let sell us the chocolate tequila. Three bottles of it stood between us and the salesperson, who informed us that our money was no good there, because they too only sold to Carnival passengers.
Had the whole world turned upside down? Since when was Carnival the privileged cruise line? Donna’s voice quivered.
“But the man at the other store said we could buy it here.”
“Which man? What did he look like?”
“I don’t know. He was the guard.”
“The guard? But they have cameras where the guard is. They will know he sent you here. No, I cannot sell it to you. We will get in trouble.”
“Yes, you can. Did I say guard? I meant to say we spoke to no one. I say crazy things when I’ve been out in the sun too long. We walked straight from our boat here. Now will you bag up my chocolate tequila? No one will know I was here.”
The salesperson looked around nervously, then whispered that there might be a way. But we would have to follow his instructions to the letter. If we deviated from what he said the sale was off.
“Here is what you must do.”
He instructed us to go to the souvenir shop next door and purchase canvas bags. The bags were necessary because we couldn’t use any of the bags from his shop. If someone asked us where we bought the chocolate tequila in the canvas bags, we were to say we bought them somewhere else.
The salesperson was even more nervous when we returned. He scowled at us as if we had COVID and he was afraid we might cough on him. We paid quickly and he packed our clandestine purchases into the two bags.
“Go! Leave this place and do not return!”
I spied the receipt protruding from the cash register. Would we at least be offered a receipt? The man locked eyes with me, fear written on his face along with a strong desire that we leave. He saw me staring at the receipt and shook his head with a look that said, don’t even think about it. I suppose he planned to burn it.
We ran from the shop, past all the machine-gun carrying personnel that Mexico could throw at us. Donna clutched her bag close to her chest. If someone wanted her bag, they were going to have to rip it from her viselike grip.
“You know, they’re not going to let us on the ship without a receipt,” I said.
Without a receipt, how were we any different from shoplifters? Donna mumbled something about making it work, and then added: “We’re not going back there for the receipt.”
We walked faster, every uniformed agent at the Celebrity Cruises gate staring extra hard at us. I imagined them thinking, what did we have in the bags we were so awkwardly holding against our bodies. Was it some stolen Maya relic? Was it a rare albino iguana? Or was it chocolate tequila?
Donna smiled at the agents at the top of the ramp. They x-rayed our bags. One of the men told us to hold on a minute. I closed my eyes. I heard Donna’s voice. Like an angel’s voice, it was so sweet.
“That’s tequila,” she said. “It’s mine.”
When I opened my eyes Donna was gone. I floundered to find her. Had she been escorted away? I resisted asking if anyone had seen a woman with two large bags of chocolate tequila. Instead, I headed straight for the stairs and caught sight of the bottom of Donna’s feet. We were both out of breath. She was still clutching the bags.
“How’d you end up keeping those? They’re supposed to confiscate them and give them back to you at the end, no?”
Donna smiled.
“I sweet-talked the guy. When you’re nice to people, they’re nice back.”
It was hardly the explanation I’d expected. But it was all the explanation I would ever need. Sometimes you gotta’ have what you gotta’ have.
A balcony cabin allows you to kick your feet up and enjoy sights like this.
10/29/22
News flash: Our cruise is going quite swimmingly. Every day we hop from one activity to another, barely spending time in our cabin. I realize some people conduct a painstaking amount of research before they book any room, whether on land or sea. But, in my opinion, being overly fussy about which cabin you select on a cruise ship is a wasted exercise. Sure, some cabins offer more perks than others. But none of the cabins we’ve ever stayed in, or peaked into as we walked by, has ever struck me as being so vastly different from any other cabin that I’ve been forced to say, “Oh, what a travesty my life is! Next time I’m going to book a nicer room.”
If you’re cruising correctly, you’re not going to be spending much time in your cabin anyway, no matter how many bells and whistles it has. But I think there’s one amenity that’s worth upgrading for: a cabin with a balcony. Does that mean you’ll have a terrible time if you book an interior cabin? Not at all. Even though interior cabins have no views of the outside, they offer a satisfactory home base to enjoy all of the ship’s activities, including soaking in the sun on deck. But here’s why a balcony cabin may be worth your while.
Although I prefer to have breakfast in the ship’s dining rooms, where I can be waited on hand and foot, eating breakfast on your balcony can be a nice break from the norm when you just want to laze around before you start your day. Donna and I don’t eat in our rooms often, but it’s nice to have a view when we do. But the best time to be on the balcony is at sunset. Grab your camera and prepared to be dazzled.
Balconies are perfect for enjoying the three things that make cruising so much fun: the sun, the sea, and the breeze. Some of our favorite cruise photos were taken from the balcony of our cabin.
But if you get a balcony cabin, make sure you never open your balcony door while your cabin door is open because of a little thing called the wind-tunnel effect. It’s just one of those basic scientific principles I hope you never have to experience.
We learned the hard way what happens when you create an opportunity for the wind to funnel through a narrow space. And it doesn’t take much for it to happen. Donna simply opened the front door of our cabin to say something to our room steward, not realizing that we’d left the balcony door open after stepping out to check on some clothes we’d left to dry. That was not the time to have both doors open, not when we’d just laid a stack of dollar bills on the bed, which we’d planned to give to the staff as an additional tip. But as soon as Donna opened that front door…. Oh, boy.
Picture this, if you can. Whoosh! A hurricane-force wind whips in from the balcony. Pow! Every loose piece of paper and all of our money is swept out into the hallway.
We scrambled to shut the balcony door while stumbling out the front door to chase our belongings down the corridor. When the dust settled (literally), I made a mental note: Don’t ever do that again.
But back to my original question: To balcony or not to balcony? I say that depends on your sense of adventure and how well you understand some basic scientific principles.
We’re out to sea again. It shouldn’t be news to anyone who reads this blog that we like to cruise. But most of the time when people ask me where I’ll be cruising to, I take too long to answer. No, it’s not because of early-onset dementia. I generally just don’t care.
For me the best part about cruising is the ocean, about seeing the sun set over the shimmering horizon, about the calming sound of the waves. The ocean is so vast, but it’s such a visual experience. Cruise ships are engineering marvels. And when you’re on one, you feel like you’re part of some miracle.
We’re sailing on the Celebrity Summit, which is an elegant midsize ship. After sailing on some of the larger cruise ships, we picked this ship because of its reputation for pampering its passengers. Because of its modest size, it didn’t have all the amenities of larger ships. But make no mistake. It is a floating luxury resort that provides all the live entertainment, specialty dining, pools and spas, and exciting destinations you could ask for…and one thing you can’t ask for.
“We’d like the works, but can you hold the kids?”
We don’t exactly enjoy cruising with kids. We tolerate them okay, but we’d just rather not have them on our cruise ship. Does that sound awful? Of the 1,300 passengers on this ship, we’ve seen less than half a dozen kids. People know not to bring their kids on a Celebrity cruise because it’s geared to adults. And that’s just the way we like it.
I’m not saying we’ve never cruised with a ship full of kids. We cruise quite a bit with Carnival, and you can expect to see a ton of kids on those ships. But recently we had an kid-related experience that we were hoping not to repeat.
The incident went like something this: On a recent Carnival cruise, we hung magnetic whiteboards on our door to leave messages for each other, only to find them vandalized each morning when we woke up. If I could show you what was drawn on our whiteboards, I would. But I don’t want to get banned from the internet. We knew the culprits were children because of the crudeness of their drawings and one other thing: Who else would be obsessed with drawing penises? An adult might be concerned about being charged with sexual harassment. But kids don’t care about riling up random grownups. Because as soon as we erased their drawings, new ones would take their place. We could hear the kids running up and down the hallways at night. What great fun they must’ve been having.
This went on for the entire length of our five-day cruise. We would erase their masterpieces, and they would draw more penises, adding messages for us, like “Why do you keep erasing?”
So, can you blame us for wanting to take a break from kids on this cruise? As happy as we are that the Celebrity Summit is only 50 percent occupied, we are ecstatic about the lack of budding juvenile artists. You have to be grateful for the small things.
That was the year that World War I started, and even that compelled only 50% of voters to show up at the polls. So, what’s the answer to this rampant voter apathy that has plagued America right from the start?
Maybe the key to getting more people to vote is to make the ballots a little more interesting. If we’ve learned anything from the proliferation of computer phishing scams, it’s that people love to respond to surveys. They can’t resist giving their opinions if you ask them the right questions. So, how about adding more interesting constitutional amendments to the ballot? I’m not talking about the kind of amendments that you have to look up to know where you stand. I’m talking about amendments that would make people eager to vote, that would make them want to tell their friends to tell their friends to try out what looks like a new TikTok challenge.
Here’s what some ballot amendments might look like:
All I’m saying is that getting more that 51% of people to vote shouldn’t be an unbreakable glass ceiling. And if you don’t agree, let’s take a vote. Got ya’!
My sister Naomi, my brother Nelson, and me. (My younger brother Carlos was probably in a playpen somewhere.)
10/26/22
We had dinner with my sister Naomi last night, a belated celebration of her birthday. Although she lives less than 20 minutes away, we only see each other about once a month (if we’re lucky). So, getting together with her is always special.
After dinner, she gave us a tour of the outside of her neighbor’s house, which was rendered uninhabitable due to Hurricane Ian. Of the 235 homes in Naomi’s community, it was the only one destroyed in the storm. Naomi showed us the tree that stands between her house and her neighbor’s. It lost a lot of branches during the storm, most of which came crashing through the roof of her neighbor’s house. Naomi’s house came out of the storm without a scratch. Thank God.
I feel very protective of Naomi, who’s my elder by two years. In addition to my older brother Nelson and my younger brother Carlos, my mom had two other children who died. I wish I had memories of them, anything at all that would make them more than just two names. Naomi says they were Angelo and Maria. Nelson doesn’t think the girl had a name. She died during child birth.
Angelo was my mom’s first-born. He died at nine months from a liver disease. Then Nelson came, but only barely. His birth was complicated due to umbilical cord strangulation. He nearly died from lack of oxygen. The doctors performed a C-section on my mom to save his life. Then Maria came (if that was her name), followed by Naomi, me, and Carlos. Our household should’ve been more crowded than it was.
But by 2014 the percentages had flipped. The once-dominant four-child family was replaced by the two-child family: 41% of families reported having two kids, while just 14% had four. One-child families doubled to 22% and three-children families remained the same at 24%.
I’ve already stated I feel protective of Naomi, but I feel the same way about Nelson. (Carlos lives too busy a life for me to worry about him. He’s still raising kids, including a three-year-old.) As the first-borns in my family, Nelson and Naomi grew up under more pressure than Carlos or I did because they were always in my parents’ presence. They were trained to be leaders of the pack, while me and Carlos were babied.
The science of birth order says that first-borns often grow up with a fear of failure. They tend to stick to the straight and narrow, don’t like change, and are hesitant to step out of their comfort zones. They tend to have a lot of responsibilities at home and are quick to take charge of younger siblings. That’s the way I remember Nelson and Naomi, as the mini-adults of the house. I didn’t rough-house with them the way I did with Carlos. They seemed to live much more complicated lives.
Carlos and I, however, share a lot of the same last-born traits (although I’ve got a lot of middle-child traits, like being a people-pleaser and a peacemaker). Last-born kids tend to be more free-spirited. I think we take more chances, which is why I think Carlos is so successful at entrepreneurial endeavors and I like to dabble with the creative arts. We played a lot together as kids and looked out at the world and said, “I want to try that.”
So, the size of my family and the order in which we were born had an enormous impact on our development. We are who we are because of it. But is that all there is to it? I think there’s something else that went on back then. Call it the X factor.
I think it’s the factor that motivates me to want to take care of my older siblings, the two people who used to take care of me. I think it’s the factor that make me want to keep up with my younger sibling. I think it has to do with what my parents gave us. I think it has to do with how we felt about each other growing up, about being a family forever and always. I think it has to do with love. Put that in your statistics. Happy birthday, Naomi.
I was happy to receive my new passport. Then I opened it.
10/25/22
It’s almost time to go on our next cruise. We’ll be traveling to an international port, so the first thing we’re going to pack is our passports. Not all ports require you to show your passport, so check with your cruise line. But Donna and I like to carry our passports when we debark, whether it’s required or not. You never know when an emergency may require you to fly home, and re-entry to the United States requires a passport.
We’ve seen it happen. It’s not a pretty sight to see passengers running down the pier, their feet flying out of their flip-flops, trying to catch the ship. We’ve also heard stories from passengers who’ve missed their ships and had to fly (at their expense) to the ship’s next destination to get back on board. Passengers who get stranded without their passports face a daunting challenge getting anywhere.
I’ve also discovered that passports are an opportunity for the U.S. government to have a little fun with you.
In May we received our new passports, replacements for the ones that had expired. The entire mail-in process took eight weeks, but we could hardly be happy with the results. Donna’s photo at least resembled her. But I didn’t recall mailing in such a mug shot. Was my passport a late April Fools’ Day joke? And why had the U.S. Department of State changed the prior photo requirements in the first place? For those who haven’t obtained new passports recently, here’s what you can expect.
You cannot wear a hat or head covering, no matter how unsightly your hair is.
Your full face must be visible, no matter how hot you look in profile.
You cannot wear headphones or wireless hands-free devices, no matter which celebrity endorses them.
You cannot wear eyeglasses, no matter if you go lens-less.
The Department of State’s website claims jewelry is permitted, but Donna was asked to remove hers. So, requirements may vary based on where you choose to have your photo taken.
The mail-in process for a passport renewal takes 7 to 10 weeks and costs $130. You can expedite the process for $60 more and receive it within 6 weeks. Or you can expedite it further by going to an agency if you have proof of travel within 14 calendar days (additional fees apply).
But let’s get back to my photo. Are those two guys even related to each other?
I wish the Department of State had a do-over service for photos. A passport photo isn’t supposed to discourage people from traveling. Never mind that I’ve gotten older and greyer, and I know it’s my fault for not shaving, but someone should’ve warned me that the lighting would make me look a wanted felon. My photo from eight years ago is just so much more friendly. I’m smiling, I’ve got some color in my face, and I look like I’m ready to travel.
In my current photo, I look stunned, I’m pale, and if you saw me behind the wheel of a van parked outside a playground, you’d be right to call the cops. I even look better when I’m frowning in my cartoon photos. I think photo photo-challenged people like me should have the option of using animated headshots in their passports. Let me know if you want to help me start a petition.
The bottom line is that no one should be embarrassed to show their passport photo. That’s not the America I’m trying to cruise away from.
My story starts like so many others…in a car on a long road trip.
The Philadelphia Phillies are going to the World Series. That’s nice. I guess. The Houston Astros are going too. But I could give a crap about the Astros. I feel the same way about them as I do about Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds. (Bunch of cheaters!)
The 2017 Houston Astros defeated the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series and then defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series by cheating. They admitted it after they were caught sign stealing. Signs are what the catcher sends to the pitcher before every pitch. One finger means fastball, two fingers means curve, three fingers means slider, four fingers means changeup. I think five fingers means hit the guy in the head so we can get kicked out of the game and go home early.
Anyway, the Astros stole the opposing team’s signs by installing a camera in center field and zooming in on the catcher’s fingers whenever the Astros were batting. The Astros players in the dugout watched the center field camera feed on a TV monitor and then signaled to the batter what pitch to expect, whether it was a fastball, a curve, etc. They were so stupid that they banged on trash can lids as part of their sophisticated method of communicating with the batter. Didn’t they think anyone would get suspicious of guys holding trash can lids in their laps for nine innings?
They were eventually caught by Major League Baseball, and the Houston Astros management was severely fined and penalized. But they were allowed to keep their World Series trophy and no player was ever suspended. And this is the team that’s going to the 2022 World Series starting on October 28. No way I’m rooting for them.
Which brings us to the other team and the subject of this post: the Philadelphia Phillies. From an analytical perspective, I admire them. They’ve got an enviable offense. But as a Mets fan, I’m still scarred from the 2008 and 2009 seasons, when the Mets let the Phillies leapfrog them in September to win both pennants. At least that’s the story I give people when they ask me why I don’t like the Phillies.
“Hey, Mike. We noticed your face twitched and your eyes kind of bugged out when the newscaster mentioned the Phils. What’s that all about?”
“Nothing. Nothing. It’s the whole 2008/2009 thing. You know, broken heart stuff.”
“No, you’re not fooling anybody. That reaction was over the top, like you were about to retch or something. Come on. You got a story to tell, don’t you? Let’s hear it.”
“Well, if you insist.”
My Philadelphia story took place sometime in the ‘90s. It was the first time Donna and I drove down to Florida to visit my father. It’s a straight shot from NYC. We just crossed the George Washington Bridge into New Jersey and followed the signs for I-95. But driving back wasn’t that simple.
Back then, we used to drive from Florida to NYC in about 20 hours, with maybe a two-hour nap break. I’d be lying if I said the 1,100 miles just flew by. The last few hours are the most difficult. You can practically see the NYC skyline once you reach the Delaware Memorial Bridge. But that’s also when you’re the most tired, when you have New Jersey between you and home sweet home.
But the first time we did the drive, we never reached the Delaware Memorial Bridge. That’s the way we should’ve gone. We should’ve gotten off I-95 and taken I-295 over the Delaware Memorial Bridge, through Delaware, and into New Jersey. But we didn’t. Our bleary-eyed selves stayed on I-95.
Driving down to Florida, I hadn’t realized that we were on I-295 for part of the way. So, going back I stubbornly stuck to 1-95. Hello Philadelphia, and now my story takes a sudden turn.
I had picked a hell of a time for my first visit to the City of Brotherly Love. It was two or three in the morning, I was unfamiliar with the roads or how to get back to the Jersey side of the river, and Donna was asleep. She was the one with the map. (This was prior to cellphone GPS mapping.) I had no other plan but to keep driving straight until I saw signs directing me to New Jersey. I wish I could tell you that’s what happened.
Anyone who’s ever driven with me knows that I occasionally get off at the wrong exit. When the highway signs gave way to street signs, I knew I’d somehow taken a wrong turn. I was in Downtown Philadelphia, which was deserted at that hour except for the street walkers and the street pharmacists who clung to the shadows. In the distance police sirens wailed on their way to a crime scene, maybe a crime scene I was late in getting to. But the worst part was driving past all the garbage. Philadelphia was in the middle of a garbage workers’ strike, so trash was piled high on every corner. The rats gave me the finger as I drove by. The smell was horrible.
Then I drove past Veterans Stadium. That was the name of the stadium the Phillies played in back then. It was like staring out at a hostile Martian landscape. I didn’t belong there. I didn’t belong in a city I’d never been to, in front of a stadium whose team I hated, hemmed in by garbage on all sides. I was living a nightmare. Then Donna opened her eyes, and the real nightmare began.
“Where are we?”
It’s funny how innocent those three words can sound. But when issued by someone who’s sleep-deprived at two or three in the morning, they’re not so funny. I told her we were in Philly and waited for the explosion.
But Donna was too tired for explosions. She helped me get back on I-95, where we saw signs for New Jersey. The adrenaline from my adventure kept me awake for the remaining two hours of our trip. But I will never forget the unexpected detour. I will never forget being surrounded by garbage. And I will never forget sitting in front of the Philadelphia Phillies stadium, bemoaning my fate, and thinking I was in a Twilight Zone episode.
But I don’t tell people that story. I try to block out that trip and the day I got lost on the bad streets of South Philadelphia. It’s easier to tell people that I don’t like the Phillies because of what they did to the Mets. But Philadelphia and I have an agreement. If you don’t talk about me, I won’t talk about you.
The number of people passing through the airport is only going to grow.
10/23/22
We have a friend who works as a Transportation Security Officer (TSO) with TSA at the Department of Homeland Security. Last week she reported seeing some larger than usual crowds at the Orlando International Airport and wait times between five and six hours. I don’t even know how a person keeps from going to the bathroom for that long.
In 2021 when America reopened after the COVID shutdown, TSA checkpoint travel numbers started to climb back toward 2019’s pre-COVID numbers. In 2022 that national trend continued with eight dates around the July 4 and Labor Day holidays surpassing 2019’s numbers. Travel has definitely come back.
Last week, on October 15, the TSA checkpoint travel numbers almost matched 2019’s numbers, without the benefit of holiday travelers. It made for an extremely busy day at Orlando International Airport, which has been afflicted by the same staff shortages that most of America has been suffering.
The video below shows the line on October 15 stretching from the security gate to the retail area, where it curved away into oblivion.
Of course, most of the recent news about Orlando International Airport has centered on the new Terminal C. The opening of that terminal has meant less TSOs at other terminals. This has impacted the time it takes for TSA to process passengers. And help doesn’t look to be arriving anytime soon.
The worker shortage has reduced the size of TSO training classes, and a significant number of those candidates who complete their training either quit or transfer to other agencies once they see what working conditions are like. During a recent visit to Orlando International Airport, we saw how abusive cranky customers can be to TSOs. (See my blog post “New York, NY.) It doesn’t help that a person can make more money working at Target than they can working as a TSO.
The long lines and the TSO shortage are a bad omen for travelers who expect to travel through Orlando International Airport during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Those who’ve delayed applying for TSA Precheck may be kicking themselves. The process takes about 60 days to complete.But even the TSA Precheck lines are experiencing longer than usual waits.
The best piece of advice I can offer would-be travelers departing from Orlando is to check the Greater Orlando Airport Authority (GOAA) website at Orlandoairport.net to see wait times are expected to be, then allow extra time to catch your flight. The next best piece of advice I can offer is to read my blog if you get stuck on one of those lines. No one deserves a laugh more than you do.
When it’s completed, Icon of the Seas will be the biggest cruise ship on the seas.
10/22/22
You’ve all heard that airline speech usually given by a flight attendant just before a plane touches down: “Thank you for flying XYZ Airlines. We know you have a choice when you fly…” Etc., etc. I think it’s pretty cool that airlines humble themselves that way. But just to let you know, for those who haven’t cruised, you’re not going to hear that speech on a cruise ship. From the time you board to the time you debark, that ship is the only ship on the planet.
But what about…?
No, no. It’s the only one.
But that’s not possible.
Shut up. It’s the only one. So, don’t even think about mentioning another ship. I think that might even be a jailable offense.
Yes, that’s right. Cruise ships have jails. But they call them brigs. The term comes from the word “brigantine,” which is a type of two-masted sailing ship formerly used to house criminals. And instead of police officers, cruise ships have security personnel. The largest cruise ships today are like small cities, with bars, restaurants, theaters, spas, water parks, and more, so it makes sense that occasionally there’s a need for security, like that time I forgot to return my cruise ship beach towel. But that’s a story for another day.
What’s on my mind today is Royal Caribbean’s announcement that Icon of the Seas will set sail in January 2024. Icon of the Seas is still under construction, but when it’s completed it will be the largest cruise ship since the last cruise line announced they had the largest cruise ship. Three days from now it will start accepting bookings. Here’s how it compares to another luxury ship you may be familiar with:
TITANIC
ICON OF THE SEAS
880 ft. long by 92 ft. wide
1198 ft. long by 200 ft. wide
52 tons
250 tons
1300 guests
7600 guests
908 crew
2350 crew
1912 first sailing
2024 first sailing
No balcony cabins
1400 balcony cabins
9 decks
20 decks
Icon of the Seas will also have 7 pools, 9 whirlpools, 6 waterslides, an ice-skating rink, a skywalk/rope course, and 40 restaurants and bars. I hear the Titanic had a punching bag in the gym.
So, what can a competing cruise ship offer that Icon of the Seas won’t have? What amenity or service could possibly lure cruisers away from cruise lines like Royal Caribbean? I thought long and hard about that question and decided there’s room in the watercraft market for a little healthy competition.
Instead of offering a larger ship, what if someone offered a smaller one? What if someone guaranteed the most customized experience a passenger can possibly have? What if there were a ship that could provide the 1-on-1 attention that so many cruisers crave, the kind of service that the big ships can’t provide? What if you could feel the sun, the wind, and the water up close and personal?
If a memorable experience on the smallest cruise ship possible sounds like something you’d be interested in, please consider the newest ship on the market. Donna of the Seas will be accepting bookings as soon as I figure out how to do that. Advance reservations are strongly encouraged.
