Month: January 2024

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1/31/24

My granddaughter Jada was born in 2004. She turned 20 yesterday. So, happy belated birthday, my love.

Jada looks a lot like her mom. In fact, when I selected the photo above, I thought I had grabbed a photo of Stephanie. Why do girls always give out the same sassy aura? No matter what age, they have no trouble walking right up to you and saying, “There’s a new sheriff in town,” whether they can actually walk or not.

I met Jada nine months before she was born. That was when Stephanie handed me an ultrasound and said, “Oh, by the way. I’m pregnant.”

My heart sank. I wanted to tell her that she had no idea what she’d just committed herself to, that her life was about to change in ways she could never have predicted. She was a high-school kid. What did she know about being a parent? But she wasn’t about to take advice from me. Our relationship was strained during those high-school years. She was still the new sheriff in town and I was the dad who had broken up with her mom.

So, when she showed me that ultrasound, I knew my little girl was gone for good. She allowed me to hug her, and I hoped she didn’t see the tears in my eyes. My baby was having a baby. I had so many worries. Would her boyfriend stick around? How could they support a baby? And what about the dreams we had for Stephanie going to college?

What a helpless feeling. I had loved and cared for and fought for and worked hard for and protected my child for 18 years. Now she was calmly and confidently going to try her hand at parenthood.

Then she moved in with her boyfriend’s family and I rarely heard from her. I was ashamed to call. I had let her down. I had failed to prepare her for the world. As she neared her delivery date, I yearned to see her, but I was afraid to beg. So, I just popped in. No invitation. No notice. Enough was enough.

Then my life changed because Stephanie had changed. She was so pregnant big! She charged into my arms and hugged me tight. She was emotional and talked fast and was excited to see me. But she was nervous too. The baby was coming. And I saw in her what I had felt when she was coming.

To share that with her was amazing. One of the best days of my life. Then Jada was born and life got even better. Although Stephanie’s relationship with her boyfriend didn’t last, he turned out to be a good dad. And Stephanie was able to complete college after all! I give thanks to Stephanie’s mom for being there for her, for letting her move back home, and for supporting her in ways I could never have.

The end result of our love is Jada, who is smart and funny and talented and her own person, very much like Stephanie. Jada currently attends The Fashion Institute of Technology just like her mom did. Both are super talented artists.

But I will never ever forget when Stephanie previewed her best creation to me: that ultrasound of Jada (no slight to her brother).

#goJadaaimhigh

1/30/24

One of my favorite quotes comes from Marge Schott, former owner of the Cincinnati Reds, who said, “It’s only money, honey.” She was the first woman to own a major league team. Unfortunately, she was also banned from baseball for saying racist things, so maybe she should have invested in a life coach. But the point is she had money, and she spent it on the things that made her happy.

I’m saying this because the last Tuesday in January celebrates National Plan For Vacation Day, and I firmly believe that vacation days are meant for traveling. But for some people, it’s easier to say they’ll spend their money on a trip than to actually do it. They make travel plans in their heads, but they don’t commit.

This week I’d like to thank Donna’s sister Rhonda and her two daughters Maya and Laura for doing the hard work of committing to visit us. (Or maybe they should be committed. Whichever applies.) They’re vacationing with us this week and making memories. Each day has been a new adventure filled with fun, food, and games (and I can definitely say that if Rhonda and the girls hadn’t come to visit, a certain cat lover would not have had his cat dreams come true this week (see “The Cat in the Hat (Minus the Hat“). In other words, travel vacations are a legit reason to say, “It’s only money, honey.”

Here are a bunch of other reason experts say you should spend more of your vacation time traveling:

Travel will take you out of your comfort zone: You might be in a rut and not even know it. Traveling will either invigorate you or give you a good reason to nap when you get back. It’s a win/win.

Provide a reset for yourself or your relationships: Walking the beach holding hands with the one you love can do wonders for the soul. If the beach is crowded, please make sure you grab the right person’s hand.

Learn while exploring: Do you know how much history is out there? Do a hike, visit a museum, hop a guided-tour bus. Or just say you did and borrow stories from your traveling companions. Just get out there and learn yourself some stuff.

Boost your creativity: Whether your thing is drawing, writing, decorating, cooking, or taking pictures, you can gain inspiration from the scenery and landscapes, the languages, the music, the people, and the food and drink from different places. Let your creative juices flow. (Oops. I just spilled my juice.)

Check things off your bucket list: Okay, so I’m not a big bucket list person. But the best thing about a bucket list is that people don’t usually fill them with getting material things (or not JUST material things), like clothes, cars, jewelry, or furniture. A good bucket list will be a “to-do” list, which is what travel is all about. It’s about taking action. (Now I can scratch off writing about bucket lists from my bucket list.)

Gain a new perspective: Traveling to other countries or other parts of America can open your eyes to different ways of life. It can make you grateful that there is so much natural beauty in the world. It might even give you a new perspective on the things you’ve taken for granted back home. (I love you so much, my comfy pillow!) Some of us are luckier than we know.

As Donna likes to remind all of our friends and family, flights and cruises are cheaper than you think. Bargains are out there. Find one and come visit us. Just watch out for our tiny dog Pete. He bites.

#Pete’sworld

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1/29/24

Let me start by saying that I’m not a cat person. That being said, we had the best cat ever. If all cats were like her, I’d say, “Please, sir, I want some more.” Sara lived to be about 18 years old. Darren found her in a parking lot. That’s the way fate works sometimes.

So, when we were driving home Saturday night, and I saw a light-colored fur ball in the roadway, I thought, “Hmm. Strangest looking raccoon I’ve ever seen.”

Of course, I knew it wasn’t. I had barely missed running it over, so I knew I couldn’t leave whatever it was in the street. I parked the car and walked a block and a half back to where I saw the “thing.” Sure, enough, it was still there. The thing turned out to be a kitten. It had climbed out of the street and into some bushes. I checked to see if it had company. Nope.

Now what do I do? I tried to pick it up. It ran away. I tried again. It ran further away. I sighed and decided, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” So, I turned to walk home. Lo and behold, look who’s suddenly interested in a game of tag. The cat was following me. But progress was slow. If I got too far away, it would stop.

Finally, I reached the front of my house. Again, I tried to pick it up. Again, it scurried away. I brought out some food and water. But the cat looked at me like I was crazy. With nothing else to do, I went back inside the house.

Have a nice life, cat.

But there’s that thing I was talking about before: Fate.

I barely missed hitting the cat: Fate.

We normally aren’t home at that hour on Saturday: Fate.

Then fate said, “Hold up. I’m just warming up.”

Suddenly, Paul and Leah pull up for family game night at our house. No sooner do I say to Paul, “It won’t let you pick it up, so you might as well not even…”

Paul picks the cat up and says, “What was that you said, Michael? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my heart thundering to the beat of “Bad Romance.” If you’ve got any other cats, I can just back the car up to your front door.”

Which is the long way of saying that Paul was kitten-smitten. For the remainder of the night, he and Darren combed and shampooed that cat so many times you would have thought they were running a cat-grooming business. (Do Funny Travel Tales subscribers get a discount?)

It was a magical night. But don’t say that to Darren. He got bitten. And definitely don’t say that to Leah. Her household just got turned upside down. Paul got bitten too…by the love bug. Enjoy your cat, Paul.

I hear their naming him Nikolai. You mean like the Russian czar? I guess we know who’s going to be running that household.

#catscratchfever

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1/26/24

I took a day off from my blog yesterday. Not on purpose. I just got busy (or should I say busier). For those who can’t go a day without my blog, who absolutely positively rely on it to get them through the pressures of the day, who can’t eat or sleep until they find out what I’m up to, I have the following advice for you: Relax.

In the words of Winston Churchill: “Have you thought about medication?”

So, I played hooky. What’s the big deal? What are you going to do? Turn me in to my boss. I’m retired. I’m my own boss.

“What was that, honey? Yes, I know you’re technically the boss, but I was just making folksy talk with the people.”

Anyway, no one is entirely sure where the phrase “playing hooky” came from. Some say it came out of 19th century New York City slang, and it may have its origin in the Dutch word hoekje, or “hide-and-seek.” To play hooky may also be a variation of the older expression “hook it,” meaning “to escape or make off.”

But it’s definitely an American invention (that figures). In fact, the word “hookey” first appeared in print in the pages of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle in 1842, although the term had probably been in common use among children long before then. (Sure, blame the kids. You know that thing probably got started by some rich banker. “I’m playing hooky today, honey? Why? Because I can.”

Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. What am I doing today? Well, it’s about 80 degrees, so the plan is to head to the beach. One of the best things about living in Florida is that no matter what time of year, someone is going to the beach. It’s more or less a 24/7 operation. Just ask those Floridians who throw hurricane parties at the beach as storms are approaching.

But I feel badly for the people who have to work at the beach. While everyone else gets to play, they have to work. Imagine being that disgruntled lifeguard as he gets his work assignment from his boss.

BOSS: What days do you want to work?

LIFEGUARD: Can I work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday?

BOSS: I can’t do that.

LIFEGUARD: Okay, okay. Put me on the Friday shift too. Sheesh. The things I do for this job…

BOSS: I have a better idea. I’m putting you on the vernal equinox and the winter solstice shifts. Sound good?

Happy Friday everyone.

#Cowabunga

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1/24/24

Private islands used to be a big deal for cruise lines. You weren’t anyone in the cruise business unless you could offer passengers a private island. “Look, we’ve got every technological convenience aboard our ships that you could possibly want. But in case you’ve always wanted to fight for a beach umbrella Hunger-Games style, we can provide you with that experience too.”

But I think cruise lines have gotten bored with building private islands. The new thing seems to be building ships that are bigger than private islands. Take for example, Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, which sails on its inaugural voyage three days from now. By the way, why do people refer to cruising as sailing? Do cruise ships resemble any sailboats that you’ve ever seen? Do they keep the sails tucked under the waterslides in case the ship loses power?

Icon of the Seas would make a poor sailboat. It’s five times longer than the Titanic. But for all that sheet metal, it does provide some perks:

It can hold 5,610 passengers (not including the crew). That’s a few hundred more people than the population of Bar Harbor, Maine.

It’s nearly 1,200 feet long. That’s the equivalent of nearly four Statues of Liberty, pedestals included.

It has more than five times the tonnage of the Titanic. I don’t know if comparing yourself to the Titanic is a good thing when talking about weight. Isn’t that the ship that’s at the bottom of the Atlantic? Is that really something they want to brag about? (“Yeah, we’re really bottom-heavy. We would sink like a stone if we took on water.”)

It has a million decks. Gotcha! Icon of the Seas actually features 20 decks, 18 of which are for guest use. They keep the pool toys on the other 2 decks.

There’s a pool for every day of the week. Yes, but how many of them feature the latest pee-protection technology?

It has the biggest water park on the water. They named the park Category 6, in reference to the five levels of hurricane strength. Mocking the hurricane gods doesn’t seem like a good idea.

There are 40-plus places to eat and drink yourself silly. Is that so that when people say they ate a ton they can brag to their friends that they were being literal?

Either way, Icon of the Seas sets sail (did I say sail?) on January 27, 2024 out of its home port in Miami.

#bethereorbesquare

1/23/24

So, what do you call it when you get a muscular-type pain in the back of your neck? No, this isn’t the world’s worst riddle. I really want to know because I have one. Do I have a crick in my neck? Do I have a sprain? Have I wrenched my neck? Welcome to this week’s episode of Dr. Drew. (Does he still have a show? And if he does, would he have me on as a surprise guest?)

Me: “Doc, I’ve screwdrivered my neck.”

Him: “You mean wrenched?”

Me: “Look, if you’re going to sit there correcting me, how are you any different than the pain in my neck?”

But I haven’t actually reached out to a doctor yet. I’m waiting for a doctor to organically call or drop by. Until then, let me see if I can figure this thing out.

How did it start? I just woke up with this pain one morning, so it should eventually go away on its own, right? If so, why is eventually taking forever? To relieve my pain, so far I’ve tried the following (not in any particular order):

• Ice packs
• Heating pads
• Tylenol
• Muscle relaxers
• Dog kisses
• IcyHot
• And prayer

And what do I have to show for my efforts? After three days I’ve gone from having a sharp wrench in my neck to having a dull wrench all over. I hope that counts as progress.

In the meantime, I’m trying to carry on as usual, if carrying on means moving like a robot and living with the fear that I’m going to make it worse by doing anything more than standing still. Even sleeping has become like an Agatha Christie mystery. (Will he or will he not be able to roll out of bed this morning, and what concoction will he try next?) Sleeping should not be a gut-wrenching activity! Did I say wrench?

Even typing isn’t all that comfortable–something about the combination of moving my head, moving my hands, and moving my eyes. Do I need those three things?

So, if your out there, Dr. Drew, no need to wait for an invitation. Just come on over. You won’t have any trouble recognizing me. I’ll be the guy holding real still. Don’t even get me started with sneezing.

#achoo

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1/19/24

This week’s feel-good story comes out of Philadelphia, PA (better luck next year, Eagles), where a four-year husky saved an entire neighborhood by digging a large hole in its yard. Turns out, he wasn’t digging for gophers.

The dog’s suspicious behavior immediately caught the attention of his owner, who knew something was up.

“My intuition told me to check it,” she said.

Earlier in the month, she had had a gas leak in the house, so, out of an abundance of caution, she decided to test the hole with a gas-detection device. Authorities informed her that if the leak hadn’t been detected, the consequences could have been catastrophic for her neighborhood.

I was so impressed by this story that I read it to our dog Pete. He looked at me and yawned. Been there, done that.

Pete’s an amazing dog. We rescued him about 8 years ago, and he’s been rescuing us ever since. From the day Donna picked him up from foster-dog parents near Tampa Bay, he has been on high alert for danger or suspicious characters. He even peed on Darren the night we brought him home.

But, of course, what he does best is alert us when we have gave leaks. Oops! Wrong dog. No, what Pete does best is patrol the house and alert us when he detects any sound, noise, or smell that is out of place. It’s a wonder he gets any sleep. To date, he’s notified us of 1,800 raccoons, 3,500 cats, 545 armadillos, 349 opossums, 112 dogs, and 3 moles in our front yard (numbers are approximate).

He’s also advised us to get a less noisy clothes dryer (he says it needs some WD-40 somewhere), to change the thermostat settings to keep us from freezing to death, and to invest in a post-office box (he hates any mail-delivery service, probably because it’s not environmentally friendly).

Of course, what Pete does SUPER best is bite people on the ankles when they turn their back on him. Pete believes the best defense is a good offense.

#goTopFlightSecurity

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1/17/24

January 17 marks the 95th birthday of the world’s most famous spinach-loving, nautical hero—Popeye the Sailor Man! But my love for Popeye (the TV cartoon not the cartoon strip) has nothing to do with his love for spinach or his sailor ways. To me, he will always be the first standup comedy I ever heard. (More on that in a minute.)

For the most part though, Popeye will be forever be known as Olive Oyl’s boyfriend, that guy with the bulgy arms, squinty eyes, and an addiction to spinach. But did you know that his use of spinach really stemmed from a mistake?

Popeye’s association with spinach was the result of an unfortunate scientific error. In the 1890s, research was published showing that spinach had as much iron as red meat. Later scientists realized that the initial report had misplaced a decimal point, making it appear that spinach had 10 times the iron it actually did. Thus, it turned out that spinach was no more (or less) nutritious than cabbage, Brussels sprouts, or broccoli, all of which are probably just as hated by kids (and could have been just as easily pushed by the cartoon). However, by the time the error was made known, Popeye was popular and firmly associated with spinach.

But I couldn’t have cared less about the spinach-aspect of Popeye. I love spinach now, but I didn’t back when I got hooked on Popeye. I fact I liked very few vegetables. My mom, or course, being the best mom in the world, never forced me to eat things I didn’t like. So, my appreciation for spinach is probably due to fate.

Of course, Popeye was a famous newspaper comic strip long before he became a famous TV cartoon. But that’s where I fell in love with him, watching him on TV on Saturday mornings. But watching Popeye was never only about watching. It was about listening to him. His sarcastic side remarks got me every time. It was one punchline after another, all mumbled under his breath. Did anyone else catch his almost incoherent ramblings besides me?

The creators of the animated Popeye cartoons were geniuses for making him so appealing to kids and grownups alike. I never understood what Popeye saw in Olive Oyl, but I sure got a kick every time he knocked that bully Bluto around.

Go get ’em, Popeye. With enough spinach, I bet you could solve the Middle East crisis too.

#I’llgladlypayyouTuesdayforahamburgertoday