Category: Humor

You Think You Have It Rough Until You See What Rough Looks Like

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5/7/24

Yesterday marked the 87th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster. The Hindenburg was a German dirigible (also called a zeppelin), the largest rigid airship ever constructed. In 1937 it caught fire while attempting a landing in Lakehurst, NJ (nothing good ever happens in Jersey) and 35 of the 97 passengers and crew died. One person on the ground also died (probably because they thought they had time to run away from a falling balloon).

So, the next time you’re traveling and you’re stuck in traffic, or the train is delayed, or they run out of Diet Coke on your airline traveling at 500 mph, think for a second before you complain. The people who came before you used to travel by blimp.

And they probably didn’t complain either. Imagine telling your friends that you floated over their house and saw how small their pool looked? To travel by airship was cool. The Hindenburg’s passengers could travel from Europe to North and South America in half the time of the fastest ocean liner, and they traveled in luxurious accommodations the airlines couldn’t match.

But after more than 30 years of passenger travel—and tens of thousands of passengers flying over a million miles on more than 2,000 flights without a single injury—the era of the passenger airship was over in a few fiery minutes.

One spark of electricity.

A balloon filled with hydrogen.

Boom.

If you’ve never watched a video of the disaster, watch the YouTube video below (it’s only a minute long). For some reason, I guess because Americans were so awestruck by zeppelins, there was a broadcast of the event. That’s where you hear the famous line, “Oh, the humanity!“

But my favorite line is when the broadcaster says “I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen” as he continues to talk. He is, of course, terribly emotional about what he’s witnessing.

You don’t find that kind of emotionality in today’s travel. Flying has become almost boring—that is, or course, unless you’re on a Boeing plane. In that case, start those cameras rolling.

#RandygetsatoyzeppelininAChristmasStory

Living Well is the Best Revenge

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5/6/24

In case you were wondering how those bear cubs are doing who were forcibly removed from a tree to pose with selfie-takers in April, one of the bear cubs is supposedly doing well at an animal sanctuary (the other bear cub hasn’t been found; see my post titled Un-Bearable). The press is reporting the story as a happy ending, but is it really?

I’m sure the Appalachian Wildlife Refuge, where the bear is being rehabbed (or should I say “habbed,” due to its young age), is a lovely place. But an orphaned bear is still an orphaned bear. To its credit, the refuge allows cubs to gain weight and learn survival skills before they are released into the wild at about 7-8 months old, and they make sure that their bear residents have the ability to search for food (brought in daily) before they are released.

But is that really what the bear wants? Has someone asked the bear? If they did, I imagine a TV interview would go something like this:

INTERVIEWER: We’re here with the famous orphaned bear cub. Can you tell over viewers how you’re doing?

BEAR: It’s been unbearable. By the way, I can say that. You can’t.

INTERVIEWER: Understood. You must miss your mom and your sibling. I assume you have some choice words for those people who pulled you from the tree.

BEAR: Grrrrrrr…..

INTERVIEWER: Understood. But you know what they say about the best revenge, don’t you? Living well is the best revenge.

BEAR: Oh, really? Is that what you humans say when you’re yanked from the hiding spot where your mom painstakingly put you while she went to find dinner? Oh, that doesn’t happen to you because if someone did grab you that would result in kidnapping and possibly human trafficking charges? I had a lot of mother’s milk coming to me. Who’s going to give me that, you?

INTERVIEWER: I can see the wounds are still fresh. Let’s move on. When the wildlife refuge releases you, what are your plans?

BEAR: You mean will I be able to survive without the benefits of parental involvement and become a respected member of society, or will I focus every fiber of my being on getting payback for what happened to me? Say what you mean!

INTERVIEWER: Uh…

(Bear grabs the microphone.)

BEAR: If you’re watching this, you selfie sickos, I’m coming to get you! I’m going to find out where you live, drag you out of your house, take pictures, post them on social media… and then I’m going to start acting like a bear!

Yikes. The orphaned bear is expected to be released into the wild this fall. I would advise certain someones to mark their calendars accordingly.

#YogitheBar-Bearian

Here’s Your Chance to Search For a Celebrity

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5/2/24

When I heard the story of Wally, the emotional support alligator, I was stunned to learn that a gator could be an emotional support animal (ESA). Then I was stunned to learn he was missing. Finally, I was stunned when I discovered that Wally is a TV star.

As Captain Kirk would say, “Set phasers on stun.”

Of course, any domesticated animal of any age can be an ESA (cats, dogs, mice, rabbits, birds, hedgehogs, rats, minipigs, ferrets, etc.) as long as they are manageable in public and don’t create a nuisance. The owner must have a qualifying mental health or psychiatric disability and present a prescription letter from a licensed mental health professional.

Wally and his Pennsylvania owner met all requirements. And thus, in 2019, the love story between Wally and his owner began. They traveled everywhere together, and in 2022 they began posting videos of their travels on TikTok. (@WallyTheAlligator). His owner even took him to a Philadelphia Phillies game before he was turned away. (Really, Wally? That’s your team?)

“WallyGator is an amazing creature,” his owner said. “He senses [people’s] emotions and gives hugs to try to cheer people up. He has come with me to radiation and has brought cheer to other patients and the doctors and nurses.”

But Wally’s story took a turn for the worse when his owner recently took him on a trip to Georgia, where Wally was stolen from his enclosure by a person who likes to drop gators in people’s yards “to terrorize them.” (Really? Gator-napping is a thing? I thought I was the only one who needed a new hobby.) Georgia’s Department of Natural Resources hired a trapper who captured Wally and released him into a swamp with other alligators.

That’s right, Wally the domesticated gator who gives people hugs has been dumped into a swamp like he was some kind of a…you know, gator. Although the odds are “slim to none” of finding Wally, Wally’s owner has put out a call for help in finding him. Wally has never been in the wild and doesn’t have the survival skills to exist in a habitat that doesn’t include someone feeding and caring for him.

So, if you’re in the area, if you could just head down to that Georgia swamp… Hmm. I may be busy tomorrow.

But jokes aside, if you can help poor Wally’s owner in any way, I’m sure he would appreciate it. Wally isn’t only a beloved ESA, he’s a TV star too. That’s Wally’s likeness on the poster for Disney’s TV show Loki.

Wally became so famous on social media that he caught the eye of the writer of Loki, who’d already come up with the idea of using an alligator version of Loki but needed a visual reference. So, he decided to use Wally.

So, if you’re out there Thor, and if you have a few minutes, your half-brother Loki needs your help. Can you hustle up some of the Avengers and start a search party? Thanks.

#Wallymaynotbewearingahornedhelmet

If I Find It, I’m Keeping It

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4/30/24

In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, Jerry pretends to have a dark side so that George will look funnier in front of a woman he likes. That’s when Elaine says to Jerry, “You cannot not be funny,” which has always been my opinion of the comedian. So often when I see him on TV, he seems to be on the verge of cracking himself up. So, I was shocked this week when a story came out about Seinfeld having a dark side, which featured a photo of a depressed-looking Seinfeld. I didn’t even know his mouth muscles could go in that direction.

Is Seinfeld pulling our leg, or is it just a response to turning 70? It’s hard to believe that he’s been doing comedy for 50 years. But it turns out that he’s serious about being serious. In fact, he recently admitted that he often wrestles with a “darkening mood.” I can’t even picture that. Do you mean you prefer dark clothes now, Jerry?

“Sometimes I just don’t feel good,” Seinfeld said during a recent interview. “And the best way to get out of it for me is work. Work is the best antidote. That’s why I work so much, because . . . for some reason, you feel like you’re not wasting time.”

For those curious about what kind of work has been keeping Seinfeld busy, you won’t have to wait long to find out. The comedian stars in, co-writes and directs the new Netflix comedy “Unfrosted,” which starts streaming this Friday. 

Please don’t tell me the movie is about a serial killer whose favorite cereal is Unfrosted Flakes. I don’t want to find out that Seinfeld has gone that dark.

But a sneak preview of the movie has relieved my worries. It stars Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, Hugh Grant and many other comedians and is a satire about Kellogg’s and Post in a heated raced to create a new breakfast treat that you pop into the toaster.

You mean his movie is about Pop-Tarts? That sounds exactly like something the old Seinfeld would’ve done.

Whew! In that case, I don’t care if Seinfeld wants to maintain a dark side, or a medium dark side, or lightly toasted side. Just keep making us laugh.

You cannot not be funny.

#Happybirthday?Nosuchthing

My First True Love Was A Dog Named Rusty

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4/30/24

Tomorrow is National Adopt a Shelter Pet Day. Forgive me for celebrating a day early, but it gives me an excuse to talk about my first family dog, a German shepherd/collie mix that we adopted from a shelter.

Her name was Rusty, which was short for Rustina). She was named by my older brother Nelson, who was a big fan of a TV show called The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin, an American Western series. The show starred a boy named Rusty, who was orphaned during an Indian raid and was being raised by the U.S. Cavalry soldiers who’d rescued him. Throughout the TV series, Rusty and his German shepherd Rin Tin Tin help the soldiers establish order in the American West.

Apparently, my father saw how much my brother loved the show and, in particular, how he much he loved that dog, that one day he purchased and brought home a fully grown German Shepherd named Diane, who resembled Rin Tin Tin.

Nelson was nine at the time, my sister was four, I was two, and my brother Carlos was a few months old. We lived in a townhouse in Manhattan, which had a backyard, so we thought we had everything a dog would need. But my mom was none too happy that Pop had brought home a huge dog into a house with an infant without discussing it with her first.

Then tragedy struck, just a day after we got Diane. She was killed when she escaped from our backyard and ran into the street where she was struck by a taxi several blocks away. Nelson went to the scene of the accident the next day and saw the remains of the accident: a trail of dried, dark blood tattooed on the street. He cried that entire week, feeling guilty for having left the front door of the house open while he talked with a friend, which allowed Diane to charge out the door.

The following year, Pop tried again. This time he took Nelson to a dog shelter where our family adopted a puppy Nelson named Rusty. (Rin Tin Tin would’ve been too much!)

Rusty was a handful in the beginning. She was too young to be separated from her mommy and cried all night for many months, pooping and peeing on the floor. She was a kind and gentle dog but afraid of so many things. (Unfortunately, we have no photos of her.)

But what I remember most about her was how she taught me to believe in miracles. One night Rusty escaped from us as we walked her on a leash. As she disappeared into the busy Manhattan traffic, cars whizzed by. I was sure she would be killed. (Imagine two dogs dying the same way?) Third Avenue had at least four or five lanes of traffic, which meant four or five opportunities to get struck. How she emerged untouched on the opposite sidewalk was truly a miracle. We were so happy to be given a second chance with her.

Of course, we had many ups and downs with Rusty during her 14 years of life. At one point, after we lost the townhouse, our family traded dwelling places with Pop’s sister. Rusty wasn’t allowed to live in the apartment where we moved, so she lived for several years with our aunt.

Even after she moved back with us, we were separated again. This time it was because Pop became the owner of a deli and he wanted a dog to live in the store and guard it overnight (but we still spent time with her). That arrangement lasted for several more years before Pop got a real guard dog for the store and brought Rusty back home.

Rusty lived with us from then on until the day she passed away. Nelson said he had just returned home from classes at Manhattan Community College when he saw Rusty lying on the floor. She had been sick for a number of days and was not getting better. But when he examined her closer, he found she was dead.

Nelson says he didn’t fully grieve until the following day when he saw a man and his dog playing catch across the street. When he got home, he threw himself on his bed and wept until our three-year-old niece Valerie kissed him on the cheek to comfort him. The pain of losing our beloved dog Rusty stayed with all of us, but particularly Nelson, for a long time.

I don’t know why God gives us these wonderful companions who die so young, but I’m so grateful that I’ve lived long enough to have experienced so many great dogs in my life. Thanks for starting it off, Rusty, and for spoiling us with your dog love.

#Godspelledbackwardisdog

How Come Collection Notices Never Have Any Jokes or Cartoons? They Could Learn From Me.

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4/26/24

I remember when I first started this blog almost two years ago. I remember looking forward to getting up every morning. I remember each day was full of surprises. I remember how sweet everything tasted. But enough about my morning cereal. I remember having a good time with my blog too. I could do this forever, I said.

This week I received a bill for my upcoming web-hosting fees. Hmm. Forever arrived sooner than I thought.

My startup fees in 2022 were quite affordable. Everyone should blog, I thought. But, of course, once they had me hooked, the fees more than doubled in 2023. But I was having too much fun to get off the ride. My 2024 bill, however, is quadruple what I initially paid.

“Uh, conductor. Can you stop the ride now?”

That’s right. I’m pulling the plug on Funny Travel Tales—oh, not this minute but soon (sometime around June). It’s been a great run, but I refuse to run pledge drives or sell gold sneakers. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a week’s notice before I pull the plug, which will give you time to have me autograph your favorite blog post.

In the meantime, I’ll start dusting off projects that I finished writing but haven’t finished editing. I’ll use social media to promote more of my cartoons. Donna is even talking about us doing a video advice column. People would write in with questions about relationships, travel, health, personal issues, home and garden, the NFL… Did I say the NFL? I was thinking about another show.

So, consider yourself notified. Of course, the URL for www.FunnyTravelTales.com will eventually stop working once my deadline for payment has passed. So, if there’s a story you particularly liked, let me know. I plan on saving all my blog posts, so I’d be happy to email you your favorite blog.

That’s it for now. There will be plenty of time to thank everyone later. Until then, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes about change: “When in doubt, choose change.”

Have a great weekend. See you on Monday.

#bethechangeyouwishtoseeintheworld

On This Day In 1985, There Were Riots In The Streets (Kind Of)

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4/23/24

Ever imagine what it would be like if the most popular thing you can think of was gone? What if hamburgers and pizzas were banned, or TV shows and movies disappeared, and no one was allowed to play or watch sports?

I know. It sounds like the apocalypse, doesn’t it? But it really happened in 1985, the day that Coke® disappeared from the shelves and was replaced with New Coke, a sweeter product. I don’t consume a lot of soda, but I’m sure there was a two-liter bottle of soda somewhere in my fridge in 1985 (by the way, the two-liter soda bottles didn’t exist until 1970. Before then, all soft drinks came mostly in glass bottles or were sold in 12-ounce cans or by the gallon), and Coke was practically a food group.

So, I was shocked when Coke decided to change their formula. At the time, it was considered one of the “marketing blunder of the century.” Calls flooded the 1-800-GET-COKE hotline. It was bad enough that a new product was introduced, but the product that people loved was taken away.

Someone even wrote a letter to the CEO of Coke, addressed simply to, “Chief Dodo, The Coca‑Cola Company.” Another person wrote to him asking for his autograph—because, in years to come, the signature of “one of the dumbest executives in American business history” would be worth a fortune.

Ouch. That must have stung. I wonder if the CEO ever considered firing himself.

“Uh, have a seat self. We’ve known each other for a long time, and you’ve dumb some stupid things, but I just can’t overlook the New Coke thing. Now help me pack up our desk.”

Presumably, no one was fired for taking Coke away from Americans. I suppose Coke executives figured America had survived worse, like that time cocaine was removed as an ingredient from Coca-Cola in 1903. (Back then, cocaine was legal and a common ingredient in medicines, and people thought it was safe to use in small amounts.)

But that doesn’t mean people didn’t lose their minds in 1985 when New Coke was the only Coke sold in stores. Hoarders filled their basements with cases of Coke. Some boosted the price and sold the product prohibition-style.

Songs were written to honor the old taste, and protest groups popped up around the country carrying signs that said, “We want the real thing” and “Our children will never know refreshment.”

I remember watching the news and seeing the faces of all those depressed, angry Coke lovers. It was no wonder the Coca-Cola Company was forced to bring the original Coke back three months later (even though New Coke hung around for a while before being discontinued in 2002).

It’s funny how things worked out for Coke. They went from making the “biggest marketing blunder of the century” to realizing untold riches in free advertising. When they rebranded their old product as “Classic Coke,” they knocked Pepsi back a peg and became the top-selling soft drink in 1986.

Hmm. That’s something to think about. I think I’ll shut down my blog, tinker with the formula, maybe make it a little sweeter. How’s the “New Funny Travel Tales” strike you for a name? Getting you excited? Striking a fire in your belly?

How about if I throw in a little cocaine?

#FunnyTravelTalesisadrug-freezone

Selfie-Takers Force Bear Cubs To Pose

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4/22/24

In Asheville, NC, a group of people were captured on video pulling bear cubs out of trees so that they could take selfies with the bears. I repeat: Dumb people caught on video.

Do people really need to be told that wild bears are not the same as teddy bears, build-a-bears, or gummy bears?

I don’t know what I’m more surprised at: that someone would actually handle a wild bear just to get a selfie, that Florida Man was not someone behind the really dumb stunt, or that the video didn’t end with mama bear jumping out of the bushes and ripping someone’s arm off. (See YouTube video below.)

The North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission (NCWRC) shared the video in which several people approached a tree where two cubs were perched on the branches. The group then yanked the animals from the tree before one person posed with a cub and then dropped it after a loud screech is heard (presumably the mama bear losing its mind).

Later, the NCWRC located a cub in poor condition in a nearby retention pond. (The other bear couldn’t be located.)

“The cub appeared to be lethargic and frightened. It looked to be favoring one of its front paws and was wet and shivering.”

The NCWRC said that the bear’s condition “is likely a result of the unnecessary and irresponsible actions of the people involved.”

When reached for comment, an angry Yogi Bear had this to say: “I’m totally speechless. We take a few picnic baskets and this is the response we get? I’ll see those cub-snatchers in court. C’mon, Boo Boo.”

Anyone who suspects they’ve encountered an orphaned bear cub should contact wildlife officials and not attempt to capture it. A bear cub seen alone is rarely orphaned or abandoned.

“Often the mother bear is nearby foraging for food and will return in a few hours, or earlier,” the NCWRC explained. “Remaining in the area or attempting to catch the cub could inadvertently separate it from its mother and possibly injure the cub.”

If it’s any consolation, witnesses told wildlife officials that one of the cubs bit one of the people before the bears ran away.

It’s the most justifiable case of bit-and-run that I’ve ever heard of.

#bearybearybad