Comedian Jerry Seinfeld turned 70 this weekend. It can’t be that bad, Jerry?
4/30/24
In one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, Jerry pretends to have a dark side so that George will look funnier in front of a woman he likes. That’s when Elaine says to Jerry, “You cannot not be funny,” which has always been my opinion of the comedian. So often when I see him on TV, he seems to be on the verge of cracking himself up. So, I was shocked this week when a story came out about Seinfeld having a dark side, which featured a photo of a depressed-looking Seinfeld. I didn’t even know his mouth muscles could go in that direction.
Is Seinfeld pulling our leg, or is it just a response to turning 70? It’s hard to believe that he’s been doing comedy for 50 years. But it turns out that he’s serious about being serious. In fact, he recently admitted that he often wrestles with a “darkening mood.” I can’t even picture that. Do you mean you prefer dark clothes now, Jerry?
“Sometimes I just don’t feel good,” Seinfeld said during a recent interview. “And the best way to get out of it for me is work. Work is the best antidote. That’s why I work so much, because . . . for some reason, you feel like you’re not wasting time.”
For those curious about what kind of work has been keeping Seinfeld busy, you won’t have to wait long to find out. The comedian stars in, co-writes and directs the new Netflix comedy “Unfrosted,” which starts streaming this Friday.
Please don’t tell me the movie is about a serial killer whose favorite cereal is Unfrosted Flakes. I don’t want to find out that Seinfeld has gone that dark.
But a sneak preview of the movie has relieved my worries. It stars Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, Hugh Grant and many other comedians and is a satire about Kellogg’s and Post in a heated raced to create a new breakfast treat that you pop into the toaster.
You mean his movie is about Pop-Tarts? That sounds exactly like something the old Seinfeld would’ve done.
Whew! In that case, I don’t care if Seinfeld wants to maintain a dark side, or a medium dark side, or lightly toasted side. Just keep making us laugh.
Tomorrow is National Adopt a Shelter Pet Day. Forgive me for celebrating a day early, but it gives me an excuse to talk about my first family dog, a German shepherd/collie mix that we adopted from a shelter.
Her name was Rusty, which was short for Rustina). She was named by my older brother Nelson, who was a big fan of a TV show called The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin, an American Western series. The show starred a boy named Rusty, who was orphaned during an Indian raid and was being raised by the U.S. Cavalry soldiers who’d rescued him. Throughout the TV series, Rusty and his German shepherd Rin Tin Tin help the soldiers establish order in the American West.
Apparently, my father saw how much my brother loved the show and, in particular, how he much he loved that dog, that one day he purchased and brought home a fully grown German Shepherd named Diane, who resembled Rin Tin Tin.
Nelson was nine at the time, my sister was four, I was two, and my brother Carlos was a few months old. We lived in a townhouse in Manhattan, which had a backyard, so we thought we had everything a dog would need. But my mom was none too happy that Pop had brought home a huge dog into a house with an infant without discussing it with her first.
Then tragedy struck, just a day after we got Diane. She was killed when she escaped from our backyard and ran into the street where she was struck by a taxi several blocks away. Nelson went to the scene of the accident the next day and saw the remains of the accident: a trail of dried, dark blood tattooed on the street. He cried that entire week, feeling guilty for having left the front door of the house open while he talked with a friend, which allowed Diane to charge out the door.
The following year, Pop tried again. This time he took Nelson to a dog shelter where our family adopted a puppy Nelson named Rusty. (Rin Tin Tin would’ve been too much!)
Rusty was a handful in the beginning. She was too young to be separated from her mommy and cried all night for many months, pooping and peeing on the floor. She was a kind and gentle dog but afraid of so many things. (Unfortunately, we have no photos of her.)
But what I remember most about her was how she taught me to believe in miracles. One night Rusty escaped from us as we walked her on a leash. As she disappeared into the busy Manhattan traffic, cars whizzed by. I was sure she would be killed. (Imagine two dogs dying the same way?) Third Avenue had at least four or five lanes of traffic, which meant four or five opportunities to get struck. How she emerged untouched on the opposite sidewalk was truly a miracle. We were so happy to be given a second chance with her.
Of course, we had many ups and downs with Rusty during her 14 years of life. At one point, after we lost the townhouse, our family traded dwelling places with Pop’s sister. Rusty wasn’t allowed to live in the apartment where we moved, so she lived for several years with our aunt.
Even after she moved back with us, we were separated again. This time it was because Pop became the owner of a deli and he wanted a dog to live in the store and guard it overnight (but we still spent time with her). That arrangement lasted for several more years before Pop got a real guard dog for the store and brought Rusty back home.
Rusty lived with us from then on until the day she passed away. Nelson said he had just returned home from classes at Manhattan Community College when he saw Rusty lying on the floor. She had been sick for a number of days and was not getting better. But when he examined her closer, he found she was dead.
Nelson says he didn’t fully grieve until the following day when he saw a man and his dog playing catch across the street. When he got home, he threw himself on his bed and wept until our three-year-old niece Valerie kissed him on the cheek to comfort him. The pain of losing our beloved dog Rusty stayed with all of us, but particularly Nelson, for a long time.
I don’t know why God gives us these wonderful companions who die so young, but I’m so grateful that I’ve lived long enough to have experienced so many great dogs in my life. Thanks for starting it off, Rusty, and for spoiling us with your dog love.
How Come Collection Notices Never Have Any Jokes or Cartoons? They Could Learn From Me.
Anyone got a bag of cash I can borrow…indefinitely?
4/26/24
I remember when I first started this blog almost two years ago. I remember looking forward to getting up every morning. I remember each day was full of surprises. I remember how sweet everything tasted. But enough about my morning cereal. I remember having a good time with my blog too. I could do this forever, I said.
This week I received a bill for my upcoming web-hosting fees. Hmm. Forever arrived sooner than I thought.
My startup fees in 2022 were quite affordable. Everyone should blog, I thought. But, of course, once they had me hooked, the fees more than doubled in 2023. But I was having too much fun to get off the ride. My 2024 bill, however, is quadruple what I initially paid.
“Uh, conductor. Can you stop the ride now?”
That’s right. I’m pulling the plug on Funny Travel Tales—oh, not this minute but soon (sometime around June). It’s been a great run, but I refuse to run pledge drives or sell gold sneakers. Don’t worry. I’ll give you a week’s notice before I pull the plug, which will give you time to have me autograph your favorite blog post.
In the meantime, I’ll start dusting off projects that I finished writing but haven’t finished editing. I’ll use social media to promote more of my cartoons. Donna is even talking about us doing a video advice column. People would write in with questions about relationships, travel, health, personal issues, home and garden, the NFL… Did I say the NFL? I was thinking about another show.
So, consider yourself notified. Of course, the URL for www.FunnyTravelTales.com will eventually stop working once my deadline for payment has passed. So, if there’s a story you particularly liked, let me know. I plan on saving all my blog posts, so I’d be happy to email you your favorite blog.
That’s it for now. There will be plenty of time to thank everyone later. Until then, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes about change: “When in doubt, choose change.”
Watch Where You’re Walking. That Alligator-Shaped Rock Might Be…You Know…
Gator mating season started on April 1 in Florida.
4/25/24
Normally, when I report on a Florida Man story, I caution my readers that they’re about to be dazzled by incredible feats of stupidity. Not today.
Last week Florida Man pulled off an incredible rescue. Here’s the story:
Somewhere near Naples, Florida, a man was walking his two Labradors at night near a pond when he was attacked by an 11-foot gator. It turns out that Labradors are not good protection against alligators, no matter what they tell you at the pet store. The gator had the man by a leg, presumably in the process of dragging him back to the pond for a midnight snack, when a neighbor drove by, saw what was transpiring, and got out of the car to investigate.
At this point in the story, let’s stop for a second and ask ourselves what we would’ve done. Would we have stopped to help or only after we determined if it was a neighbor we liked? (“Hmm. He never did return my hedge trimmer. Probably serves him right to be teasing a big alligator like that.”)
This is where Florida Man, and candidate for neighbor of the year, runs back to his vehicle, throws it in drive, and runs over the gator, who gets thoroughly annoyed, releases its victim, and swims off on an empty stomach. (The report fails to mention whether the gator was run over by a Toyota Prius or a Dodge Ram. Either way, that’s one tough alligator and further proof that the dinosaurs did not go extinct.)
The gator bite victim was taken to a hospital, where he is now recovering and swears he will never watch another Jurassic Park movie again.
So, what can we learn from a story life this? The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) warns residents that “alligators are opportunistic feeders” and advises them to view local wildlife from a safe distance.
If you find an alligator attached to your leg, you should assume that you’ve probably gotten too close. Try increasing the distance next time (if there is a next time).
Better advice is not to find yourself in that situation at all. Let’s go over how you can avoid becoming a gator treat.
Step 1, 2, and 3: Do not walk your dogs at night by a pond during alligator mating season. Did I need to say it? This story sounds a scene straight from a TV crime show where the wife tries to collect on the husband’s life insurance policy. (“They say there’s going to be a solar eclipse tonight, honey. Why don’t you go watch it by the pond…and take those yapping dogs with you.”
The better option is to install an indoor bathroom for the dogs, always stay in good standing with your neighbors, and never go out at night without your steel-toe boots.
And never rely on Florida Man to save your butt. It happens about as often as a solar eclipse.
Congress Says TikTok Is A Security Risk. Do We Care?
The U.S. Senate wants us to drop TikTok.
4/24/24
Supposedly, TikTok poses a national security risk. That’s why yesterday Congress overwhelming passed anti-TikTok legislation that would force the Chinese company that owns TikTok to sell their app within a year or be banned from U.S. app stores and web hosting companies.
Translation: China, we’re addicted to TikTok, and we don’t know what to do about it.
Supporters of the ban fear that the Chinese government may be spying on us and spreading propaganda through the app. Really? Around 170 million Americans use the platform. With all those users, you would think that someone would’ve noticed suspicious activity, like maybe more kung fu videos or videos with Mandarin subtitles. But, no, nothing.
I’m not an avid user of TikTok, but it looks pretty harmless from what I’ve seen. If the Chinese are trying to take over our minds with cute animal videos and videos of American kids dancing and performing funny stunts, then they’ve already won. If fact, if given the option of supporting the ban or letting the Chinese continue to spy on us, I think most American TikTok users would vote to continue being shills for the Chinese government. (Those TikTok videos are just so hypnotizing!)
According to a Pew Research poll released last December, only 38% of Americans supported banning TikTok. The rest said, “We’ll get right back to you. We just gotta’ finish watching that TikTok video where the cat rides the Roomba!”
When TikTok first came out in September 2016, the idea was to let users create, watch, and share 15-second videos set to music and sound effects. Sounds stupid, right? Who knew it would catch on to become the sixth most popular social media platform according to a recent survey.
Facebook
WhatsApp
YouTube
Instagram
WeChat
TikTok
But don’t worry TikTok, you’re number one on Congress’ Most Wanted list.
On This Day In 1985, There Were Riots In The Streets (Kind Of)
Coca-Cola relieved fatigue? Of course, it did. It had cocaine.
4/23/24
Ever imagine what it would be like if the most popular thing you can think of was gone? What if hamburgers and pizzas were banned, or TV shows and movies disappeared, and no one was allowed to play or watch sports?
I know. It sounds like the apocalypse, doesn’t it? But it really happened in 1985, the day that Coke® disappeared from the shelves and was replaced with New Coke, a sweeter product. I don’t consume a lot of soda, but I’m sure there was a two-liter bottle of soda somewhere in my fridge in 1985 (by the way, the two-liter soda bottles didn’t exist until 1970. Before then, all soft drinks came mostly in glass bottles or were sold in 12-ounce cans or by the gallon), and Coke was practically a food group.
So, I was shocked when Coke decided to change their formula. At the time, it was considered one of the “marketing blunder of the century.” Calls flooded the 1-800-GET-COKE hotline. It was bad enough that a new product was introduced, but the product that people loved was taken away.
Someone even wrote a letter to the CEO of Coke, addressed simply to, “Chief Dodo, The Coca‑Cola Company.” Another person wrote to him asking for his autograph—because, in years to come, the signature of “one of the dumbest executives in American business history” would be worth a fortune.
Ouch. That must have stung. I wonder if the CEO ever considered firing himself.
“Uh, have a seat self. We’ve known each other for a long time, and you’ve dumb some stupid things, but I just can’t overlook the New Coke thing. Now help me pack up our desk.”
Presumably, no one was fired for taking Coke away from Americans. I suppose Coke executives figured America had survived worse, like that time cocaine was removed as an ingredient from Coca-Cola in 1903. (Back then, cocaine was legal and a common ingredient in medicines, and people thought it was safe to use in small amounts.)
But that doesn’t mean people didn’t lose their minds in 1985 when New Coke was the only Coke sold in stores. Hoarders filled their basements with cases of Coke. Some boosted the price and sold the product prohibition-style.
Songs were written to honor the old taste, and protest groups popped up around the country carrying signs that said, “We want the real thing” and “Our children will never know refreshment.”
I remember watching the news and seeing the faces of all those depressed, angry Coke lovers. It was no wonder the Coca-Cola Company was forced to bring the original Coke back three months later (even though New Coke hung around for a while before being discontinued in 2002).
It’s funny how things worked out for Coke. They went from making the “biggest marketing blunder of the century” to realizing untold riches in free advertising. When they rebranded their old product as “Classic Coke,” they knocked Pepsi back a peg and became the top-selling soft drink in 1986.
Hmm. That’s something to think about. I think I’ll shut down my blog, tinker with the formula, maybe make it a little sweeter. How’s the “New Funny Travel Tales” strike you for a name? Getting you excited? Striking a fire in your belly?
In Asheville, NC, a group of people were captured on video pulling bear cubs out of trees so that they could take selfies with the bears. I repeat: Dumb people caught on video.
Do people really need to be told that wild bears are not the same as teddy bears, build-a-bears, or gummy bears?
I don’t know what I’m more surprised at: that someone would actually handle a wild bear just to get a selfie, that Florida Man was not someone behind the really dumb stunt, or that the video didn’t end with mama bear jumping out of the bushes and ripping someone’s arm off. (See YouTube video below.)
The North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission (NCWRC) shared the video in which several people approached a tree where two cubs were perched on the branches. The group then yanked the animals from the tree before one person posed with a cub and then dropped it after a loud screech is heard (presumably the mama bear losing its mind).
Later, the NCWRC located a cub in poor condition in a nearby retention pond. (The other bear couldn’t be located.)
“The cub appeared to be lethargic and frightened. It looked to be favoring one of its front paws and was wet and shivering.”
The NCWRC said that the bear’s condition “is likely a result of the unnecessary and irresponsible actions of the people involved.”
When reached for comment, an angry Yogi Bear had this to say: “I’m totally speechless. We take a few picnic baskets and this is the response we get? I’ll see those cub-snatchers in court. C’mon, Boo Boo.”
Anyone who suspects they’ve encountered an orphaned bear cub should contact wildlife officials and not attempt to capture it. A bear cub seen alone is rarely orphaned or abandoned.
“Often the mother bear is nearby foraging for food and will return in a few hours, or earlier,” the NCWRC explained. “Remaining in the area or attempting to catch the cub could inadvertently separate it from its mother and possibly injure the cub.”
If it’s any consolation, witnesses told wildlife officials that one of the cubs bit one of the people before the bears ran away.
It’s the most justifiable case of bit-and-run that I’ve ever heard of.
It’s no wonder I don’t feel like myself today. Donna’s gone.
4/19/24
I just got back from dropping Donna off at the airport. Normally, whenever we return home, the dogs will bark their heads off until Donna and I walk through the front door, but today only Sophie barked to greet me. She’s kind of an airhead, so I’m not surprised that she didn’t figure out the simple math: two people walked out the door, but only one came back.
Pete, on the other hand, didn’t even bother to move from his perch by the window. The message was clear. I wasn’t worth greeting unless Donna was with me. He was annoyed. He was sad. He was suspicious.
He sat in the middle of the carpet runner by the front door and stared at me. His eyes said it all.
“What have you done with her?”
Obviously, our habit of watching murder mystery shows has affected Pete. He’s watched enough of them with us to know that when the wife suddenly disappears, the husband is the number one suspect.
“I didn’t do anything to your mom,” I reassured Pete. “She’s just on a trip. She’ll be back soon.”
But Pete wasn’t buying it. He jumped back up to his seat by the window to investigate the situation. Maybe he was looking for blood stains. I don’t know. I sure hope he doesn’t know how to dial 911. Pete is very smart, so I bet he does.
I sympathize with Pete because I’m also feeling out of sorts without Donna. By the way, the expression “out of sorts” comes from the printing industry. In the old days, print shops stored their letter types in boxes called “sorts.” So, the letter “a” was in the a sort, the letter “b” was in the b sort, the letter “c” was in the c sort, etc. But sometimes the printer ran out of a letter in the middle of a job, which made them “out of sorts.”
Without Donna, our family unit definitely isn’t complete. I’m glad she’s going to have a good time at Naja’s baby shower, but her presence will be missed. Forget about that solar eclipse nonsense. Not having Donna around is a big deal!
Since we got married June 23, 2003, I haven’t slept without her by my side, except for three occasions:
In the early days of our marriage, back when I had good health insurance, we attempted to address Donna’s sleep apnea problem (she wasn’t breathing properly at night). But the doctor couldn’t determine the severity of the problem unless she underwent overnight observation in a sleep clinic. No spouses allowed! Boy, that was a long night.
Then there was that time when her father passed away. Donna dashed to NYC to help Ma with the funeral arrangements. I don’t remember being there for the administration part of it, just the funeral. So, I think we were parted for a day or two. Once again, the bed felt way too big.
The last time we were parted for at least 24 hours was also for medical reasons. I don’t remember if it was when Donna almost passed out because her blood pressure was over 200 (the hospital may have kept her overnight to run tests) or if it was when she had spinal fusion surgery, but some hospital administrator had the nerve to say I couldn’t sleep in Donna’s hospital bed.
The point is that the dogs and I will be cuddling extra close tonight without Donna. Pete, no doubt, will be keeping an extra close eye on me. Who wants to sleep with a murderer?
What do O. J. Simpson and this car have in common?
4/18/24
The bullet-riddled car above was driven by Bonnie and Clyde before car problems caused the couple to part with the vehicle on May 23, 1934. It turns out that it’s hard to drive a car with 112 bullet holes, especially when you’re in the car as those bullets are passing through. So, Bonnie and Clyde moved on to that great bank heist in the sky while the new Ford V8 (in slightly used condition) was towed to a museum.
(“Hello, AAA? Yes, we have a Ford V8 that needs a tow. Yes, those pesky Fords keep breaking down. Make sure to send someone who’s not squeamish about a little blood.”)
The car was eventually sold to a Las Vegas casino in 1988 for $250,000 and now resides at Buffalo Bill’s Casino in Nevada, where zip ties hold it together. But in the history of cars there’s probably one car that’s more famous (two cars if you count the Lincoln Continental limo that President Kennedy was riding in when he was assassinated in November 1963), and that car is O. J.’s Ford Bronco.
Of course, O. J. didn’t own the Bronco that became famous for its involvement in a slow-speed chase through Los Angeles in 1984. The car belonged (and still belongs) to his friend Al Cowlings, along with two of Cowlings’ friends and Simpson’s former agent Michael Gilbert. (Can I get in on that investment? I knew Simpson too. Kind of. I collected his football cards.)
Courtesy of the Alcatraz East Museum
So, now, after all these years (the 30th anniversary of the car chase is coming up in June), O. J.’s good friend, who is 76 years old, is going to do what good friends do. He’s going to cash in on O. J.’s fame and sell the car for a buttload of money.
But does the car have any real value? I mean, the car has been sitting around at the Alcatraz East Crime Museum in Pigeon Forge, TN since 2016. That’s a looooong time between oil changes. What’s it really worth? Is it worth Bonnie and Clyde money?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Makes sense. Ford has made a comeback. Nowadays, however, when you make that kind of purchase you expect perks to be thrown into the deal. For example, are there any souvenirs in the trunk, perhaps gloves or any knives? Oh, I forgot the police still have those. Can’t wait for the LA Police Department garage sale.
I once shoplifted. Is my getaway car worth anything?
Cruise lines send us offers to cruise for free all the time. Sometimes they arrive in our email inboxes (almost every day), and sometimes they arrive in our physical mailbox in the form of postcards. Boy, we’re popular!
So, it’s not our fault that we cruise. Those darn cruise lines are the ones pressuring us. We understand why our friends and family think we cruise a lot. But we only average about three cruises a year, which we don’t think is a lot. In fact, we ignore about nine out of 10 free-cruise offers. (If we accepted every offer, you’d never see us!)
Of course, part of the reason we don’t jump on every offer is because free cruises aren’t exactly free. But that doesn’t mean that the offers are scams. Far from it. It’s just that accepting a free cruise-ship cabin doesn’t exempt you from paying port fees and taxes, which tend to be around 10-20% of the base cruise fare.
For the five-to-seven day cruises that we prefer, port fees and taxes are usually about $200 (in total for both of us). The charges are unavoidable because cruise ships have to pay a fee every time they dock at a port of call. In other words, passengers are the ones paying local authorities for the spaces those lovely ships are parked in. We pay for parking everywhere else we go, so it makes sense.
To make a long story short, two days ago we received another offer to cruise for free. Sorry, no can do, we said. So, we put the offer in our reject pile, but in the process we mentioned it to someone we know. His reaction was immediate. He wanted to cruise, even if he didn’t have a free offer.
The idea of being out on the open water consumed him—the cool breezes, the sandy beaches at the ports of call, the food delicacies served morning, day, and night. He began making calls about taking a short cruise, just Thursday to Sunday. Then he began doing serious research. He even called various cruise lines to see if any of them could offer him a last-minute deal for this weekend.
And you know what? They made him an offer. They offered him a cabin for $50. You can’t go to a nice restaurant and dine for less than $50. And they were offering him the opportunity to dine with his feet up on a deck chair for three days for $50? Yikes.
(The room rate is actually for a double-occupancy cabin, so his costs would be $100. But the cruise line offered him a $100 onboard credit to offset that.)
He booked the cabin, of course, but we’ll see if he actually goes. (He still has time to cancel.) He’s a bachelor, so he can be spontaneous like that. He can do whatever he wants to do at a moment’s notice without having to check with anyone. But I wouldn’t trade Donna for anything. I wouldn’t change a single thing about her. I wouldn’t… Oh, wait. She’s calling. Gotta’ go.
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