Watch Where You’re Walking. That Alligator-Shaped Rock Might Be…You Know…
4/25/24
Normally, when I report on a Florida Man story, I caution my readers that they’re about to be dazzled by incredible feats of stupidity. Not today.
Last week Florida Man pulled off an incredible rescue. Here’s the story:
Somewhere near Naples, Florida, a man was walking his two Labradors at night near a pond when he was attacked by an 11-foot gator. It turns out that Labradors are not good protection against alligators, no matter what they tell you at the pet store. The gator had the man by a leg, presumably in the process of dragging him back to the pond for a midnight snack, when a neighbor drove by, saw what was transpiring, and got out of the car to investigate.
At this point in the story, let’s stop for a second and ask ourselves what we would’ve done. Would we have stopped to help or only after we determined if it was a neighbor we liked? (“Hmm. He never did return my hedge trimmer. Probably serves him right to be teasing a big alligator like that.”)
This is where Florida Man, and candidate for neighbor of the year, runs back to his vehicle, throws it in drive, and runs over the gator, who gets thoroughly annoyed, releases its victim, and swims off on an empty stomach. (The report fails to mention whether the gator was run over by a Toyota Prius or a Dodge Ram. Either way, that’s one tough alligator and further proof that the dinosaurs did not go extinct.)
The gator bite victim was taken to a hospital, where he is now recovering and swears he will never watch another Jurassic Park movie again.
So, what can we learn from a story life this? The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) warns residents that “alligators are opportunistic feeders” and advises them to view local wildlife from a safe distance.
If you find an alligator attached to your leg, you should assume that you’ve probably gotten too close. Try increasing the distance next time (if there is a next time).
Better advice is not to find yourself in that situation at all. Let’s go over how you can avoid becoming a gator treat.
Step 1, 2, and 3: Do not walk your dogs at night by a pond during alligator mating season. Did I need to say it? This story sounds a scene straight from a TV crime show where the wife tries to collect on the husband’s life insurance policy. (“They say there’s going to be a solar eclipse tonight, honey. Why don’t you go watch it by the pond…and take those yapping dogs with you.”
The better option is to install an indoor bathroom for the dogs, always stay in good standing with your neighbors, and never go out at night without your steel-toe boots.
And never rely on Florida Man to save your butt. It happens about as often as a solar eclipse.
#dowetastelikechickentoalligators?
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