I swear I didn’t write the job description that NYC just posted.
12/6/22
Our government assumes that everyone wants to be a czar. That’s why they throw the title around so often: Economic Czar, Drug Czar, Traffic Enforcement Czar. But Rat Czar?
NYC has experienced an explosion in its rodent population since the pandemic began. When I was a kid growing up in NYC, rat sightings were rare. If you saw one, it was like, “Cool! Wow! Did you see that?” And the rats were afraid of you. They ran from you. Nowadays, they stare at you when you stumble on them, with bored expressions that say, “Can we help you with something? I didn’t think so. Now beat it before we beat you with this double-stuff crusted pizza.”
Rat sightings on the streets, in subways, and in homes have jumped 71% over in the past two years, according to the City’s sanitation department. So where are the Avengers when you need them, right?
New York City Mayor Eric Adams hopes to be the next best thing to a superhero solution. To address the rat problem, he ran the following help wanted ad this week.
Job Title: Director of Rodent Mitigation
Salary Range: $120,000 to $170,000
Job Description: The ideal candidate is highly motivated and somewhat bloodthirsty, determined to look at all solutions from various angles, including improving operational efficiency, data collection, technology innovation, trash management, and wholesale slaughter.
Cunning, voracious, and prolific, New York City’s rats are legendary for their survival skills, but they don’t run this city—we do. Applicants must reside in New York City, hold a bachelor’s degree and be willing to perform “Catch and Kill” functions by using hands-on techniques to exterminate rodents with authority and efficiency.
In a post titled, “Seeing is Believing,” I previously talked about the rat problem in my old hometown. The search for a rat czar is just the latest effort NYC has made to defeat the Rodents of Unusual Size, which seem to grow bigger every time Chipotle, Taco Bell or Wendy’s roll out new fast-food menu items.
So, now NYC is down to hiring a guy whose only motivation in life is to kill rats. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that job interview.
HR: So, tell me about your qualifications.
Rat Candidate: I’m tough on rodents.
HR: I’m sorry, but anyone can say that.
Rat Candidate: No, you don’t understand. If one of them pulls a knife, I pull a gun. They send one of ours to the hospital, we send one of theirs to the morgue.
HR: I understand. But how are you uniquely qualified?
Rat Candidate: It’s personal with me.
HR: How so?
Rat Candidate: They killed my brother. It’s about getting revenge now.
HR: I see. Your resume says you refuse to use a computer. Why’s that?
Rat Candidate: On account of the computer mouse. I won’t have anything to do with rodents.
HR: And in college you belonged to a fraternity, Epsilon Ratta Ubegone.
Rat Candidate: That’s right. And I’ve never watched Ratatouille, Stewart Little, or the Mickey Mouse Club.
HR: So, if we gave you the job, how would you get rid of the rats?
Rat Candidate: I’d feed them pellets that set their insides on fire. I call it Mice Krispies.
HR: You should very qualified, but there is a problem: your name. I’m afraid we’d have to eliminate you based on your name alone.
Rat Candidate: You mean Ratzenberger?
HR: That’s right. We’re leaning toward going with a celebrity candidate anyway. Perhaps you’ve heard of him. Duane “the Rat” Johnson?
Ba-dum-bum. And that’s my time, folks. I’ll be here all week.
#allmyratjokesaresqueakyclean
